So you’re lying on a beach reading this on your Kindle Fire, or that’s what your skin feels like, lotion darlink, lotion! Remember those anti-glare screen protectors aren’t protecting you.
Everything is laid out around you, your Blackberry, iPhone, iPad, iPad mini, the portable fan and of course the Kindle. They’re all plugged into a single solar powered charger which is now glowing under the midday sun. Is that Dave C, I can see along the beach from me? It must be, he’s still wearing an unbranded polo shirt, very long shorts and his socks have got a hole in them. The hole was cut by a flunky to make him seem more normal. I have a celebrity customer who brings his socks in for repair. They are always clean, ironed and neatly wrapped in a Tesco Metro bag. The socks all wear in the same place, which makes me think that Fergie may be involved! To be politically neutral in all this, is that Ed Miliband I see further along sitting under a parasol shaped remarkably like his brother David, casting a giant shadow? I will mention the Lib- Dems, but only in passing, because if you had Danny Alexander’s colouring, would you go out in the sun?
Meanwhile, on the beach next to Dave, is that Dear Silvio? Yes, it must be, he’s gesticulating wildly from beneath his oh so stylish bandana. Like Liberace he can no longer close his eyes. Such is the ferocity of the sun his eyes are starting to dry and his latest “Bambina” needs to apply the absinthe drops to allow him to return to normality. Of course normality lies in the eye of the beholder. OK Liberace, bless his cotton socks, turned up his toes and closed his eyes a while ago. However I have modelled myself on his kind of understated repertoire and it’s starting to pay off. I, of course have my own “Bambina”, but that is another story, and I wouldn’t dare ask her to put my eye drops in, she’s too busy painting my toenails.
“Pacific Rim”, the film title that has had thirteen year old boys sniggering for months. Why I ask myself? Saturday I saw it close up, personal and in 3D. Finally a film that was OK in 3D. It was just what the optician ordered, mindless, robots fighting dinosaur aliens that have surfaced through a crack in the sea floor. Once again Moriaty the tectonic plates have shifted. If you’ve been to the ZooBar in Leicester Square, trust me you’ll have seen it all before.
Rumbled, I have been rumbled, JKR has admitted writing my books. How dare she? Parry Hotter and From Behind the Golden Candlestick, was my work, and my work alone. A work of great fiction, even if I say so myself, after all, we are all our own greatest critic. Next in the trilogy is; The Iron, The Pentangle and The Walk in Closet.
Extreme measures will be required. I’ll need to change my name and identity again.
Anyway, finally the real reason for the newsletter. On Saturday the 20th of July we will commence our SALE. Some of you might be under the impression, that once again we may not be Closing Down, and the bike in the window has prompted some of you as whether the business is taking a change of direction. However if you do wander in on Thursday or Friday, you will be greeted after a fashion as if the event has started. So gone will be the usual levels of service, the cheery bright demeanour and the tidy shelves, you have been warned.
Let me quote H G Wells “Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.” I aim to prove him wrong!
Exactly how many of you saw the word SALE first? But remember you need to follow the Rules.
Copyright © 2013 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.