August 2013 – Volpe Newsletter

The SALE will end on Saturday 7th September.

I thought I’d better get that out of the way early doors, then we’ll have some winter t*tbits for you. Well you know how sensitive the spam filters can be.

Last week I received an email from someone regarding work that is to be done on the house. I forwarded it to a friend just with the word pr*!k across the top. They explained to me they had done a similar thing with an email from the same person, however rather than forward it, which is what they meant to do, they hit REPLY with just the ’C’ word as the response.

Well at least he now knows what we think of him, and we’re not wrong.  I never am. Interesting how many of you when we have talked about this, have done a similar thing.

You wouldn’t reply to an email from Vladimir Putin in this fashion. OK you might, but you couldn’t ever drink tea again. Many of my friends are now boycotting Russia and Russian products because of their treatment of homosexuals. I mean, what kind of man, apart from me, would be seen shirtless, hairless and on horseback, back broken on a mountain!

Goodness knows what it will do to sales of Russian Vodka.

And then we have Dave. Haven’t you got a friend who will rub your suntan lotion in? And please put a shirt on, you obviously don’t read the blog? Our own Vladimir Putin, just hairless and hapless, hair slicked back moments after not slaying a tiger, but looking more like he’s about to take on a whelk!

Be careful he has a bad back!

Just how fickle is football, just when you think the Arsenal fans might finally have lost patience with Arsend (sic.) they win away in Turkey. Will they leave me with nothing to write in the blog?

Well until they don’t buy anyone in the transfer window.

Yes, sadly looks like Bale has “Baled”, but as one of you said 100m of anybody’s money is a good deal.

In Spain it looks like that they’d rather invest in a cottage with I nice warm fire to go home to in Wales, rather than employing a few extra ground staff. I’ve also noticed that there are a load of Spanish Grannies for sale on eBay.

Wolf kindly; because he does everything kindly, lent me a book called Boomerang, it’s about the financial crisis. You mean there was a crisis, let’s not make a drama out of it. Remember it’s an Equitable Life, Henry. It seems that Spanish football teams are run along similar lines. Read the book, it’s great, I’m off to a monastery in Greece.

Of course poor Jake is discussing playing Crawley Town rather than Manchester United. Will they claw their way back? Wolves, claws. Oh, I give up.

We won the ashes, enough said. Well I used to love cricket, and  used to spend hours as a kid with my brother Paul playing a version with specially made dice in my nan’s attic in Easington Colliery. The constant sound of rain on the slate roof for company during my two week “summer” holiday.

I grew up in the days of Clive Lloyd, Alvin Kallicharan, Alan Knott and Satbir Bedi. Later it was Mike Proctor, ‘Beefy’ Botham and Viv Richard’s piles, and we’re not talking runs. A time when Geoffrey Boycott could bat all day and make 7 runs in each session. you could drink yourself into a stupor and not miss a thing when he was at the crease. He’d dismiss Lillie and Thompson with a smile and his gruff Yorkshire charm. As I said enough said, I’m starting to sound old!

I am disposing of a jeep for a friend in Italy on eBay,  we are using a series of interesting photos and a description of the vehicle written by me, candidly, as only I can. So I can and did!

A link to the vehicle is here:

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Opel-Frontera-Lhd-Olympus-Metallic-/290967357200?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item43bf018710

They felt that my type of prose, added a little something to the sale. We’ll see!

In the last month I have seen three films. The second was “Man of Steel”. In some respects I should have seen it before the first. However I was “Man of Steel” enough not to laugh during the first.

The first film was an Art House film, and I went with Tony, he likes that kind of thing. Personally I think many of these films are missing a consonant in front of them. Anyway less of that childish humour. Pretentious, moi?

Ryan Gosling, the next big thing! We went to see “Only God Forgives”. What a load of tosh. Because I was with Tony, I felt it was only polite to hold back the sniggers until the end. This only made matters worse, because I’d been bottling it up, I then cried with laughter for 10 minutes solid afterwards. I had to lock myself in a cubicle in the loo, so as to remain anonymous.

The third film was “Elysium”. Proof that even the great Matt Damon is unable to carry a film on his own.

In fact so parlous was the selection of films, I decamped to chez Neil, cue photo of sunset.

Sunset in Ibiza

Now how Ibiza is this? I am here to prepare for the half marathon in October. Did I hear you say complete balderdash? Oh ye of little faith. I have been running and climbing everyday. Eating fish and salads, and in bed asleep by 11.30. At night, oh, for heavens sake.

I will come back refreshed and ready to take on the world, well a whelk perhaps, move aside Dave this is a job for “Supertan”. Now where did the little bu@*$r run off to? The whelk, not Dave, he’s too slippery.

Transfer Deadline Special:

I’m not going to bother. Because I’ve already dealt with the Gareth Bale issue.

So Arsenal sold Van Persie for £24 million a year ago, put their fans through 12 months of hell, and then buy Özil from Real Madrid for £42m.

Sorry, but I’m trying to make sense of a deal like that.

And what’s the betting that Fellanious or what ever his name is gets sent off in his first game for United. Following through in the style of that other famous Belgian Jean-Claude. van Damme.

As my good friend Tony (Gooner) says: “life is all theatre”. He’s not wrong you know.

Exit stage left.

Panoramic view

Panoramic view of Ibiza

And finally:

A post script is the sad news of the death of David Frost. I regularly saw him in The Wolseley at breakfast, and sometimes at the next table, he would nod and say good morning. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me, but we both knew Jeremy, so it seemed we did know each other in a strange way.

Copyright © 2013 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

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