February 2011 – Volpe Newsletter

Well February has nearly been and gone, and I haven’t been anywhere. It’s a short month and I’m bang up against it to get this out. Blink and you’ve missed it, I could have done with a couple of extra days and perhaps another speech or two from Colonel Gaddafi, but I can unequivocally say I have never knowingly supplied him with items of clothing. Damn. Trapper hats all round next winter.

Finally the mornings are turning a little lighter, the evenings too, and if Dave has his way, those of us in London will have a binge culture of 24 hour daylight, drunk on everlasting sunshine, suddenly we’ll all feel better on the happiness index, or whatever he’s going to call it. No doubt it will make my insomnia worse, I may never sleep again, and everyone living north of Watford will suffer from rickets. The Scots will be more depressed about their football, they will blame us for stealing what light they get, and every game will need to be played under floodlights. The only players they will be able to attract will be moles, or three blind mice. So a step up on a few they have there now, we all know what you think of the refs north of the border.

Now, if only Dave could turn the thermostat up a few degrees, bring us the Aurora Borealis, we’d all be ‘staycationing’, waving glosticks and recreating foam parties. Oh well, looks like I’ll be holidaying abroad again this year.

And before the pedants amongst you tell me, that this not how daylight-saving works, I’ll remind you that it’s my newsletter and I’ll write it how I want.

Some of you have commented on my healthy glow, I suppose it’s politer than the Mr Orange remarks, and I am still many a shade of mahogany paler than Dave or David Dickenson. But after the long winter nights I have been known on occasion to visit the Costa Lampada, if only to get some heat into these tired old bones. If the therapeutic effects involve a ruddier complexion, so be it. Vanity, thy name is Adrian.

On a related note and in order not to make this a political issue, like every government I have found my way round the expenses problem. I paid myself double, dropped my bonus scheme and set up a complex system of offshore accounts on Sark. Whilst somehow finding a way to re-employ my coterie of advisors, pluckers and waxers, dressers and cross dressers, even Raoul has returned.

A friend’s spouse is on the Space Shuttle winging its way to the International Space Station. Going out to the shed to be on your own is understandable, but this is a little extreme. This makes the actions of a Japanese friend pale by comparison; when barred from the house by his wife, sleeps it off in his local church, such are the results of cheap white wine and the understanding nature of the local clergy towards a Buddhist.

My D-list celebrity friend is now headed for LA dressed in a gold costume. Apparently he will be on Hollywood Boulevard miming as Oscar. I fear he may get a little more than he bargains for. Obviously it’ll be all over bar the partying when you read this. If it were my party, top of my guest list would be Charlie Sheen, now more enfant terrible than hellraiser.

He’d be certain to create some sort of incident which I could write about, as many of my party animal friends have been so very quiet this month. I suppose after January’s abstinence I’d hoped that you’d all return to hard partying, but I have been disappointed unless it has been a month long event I am still to become aware of.  Alternatively, it may be that they know I am watching, stubby little fingers poised over the screen of my Ipad, just waiting for the merest whiff of scandal and impropriety. As if!

James who was here last month from Geneva, has gone home to clear his head in the fresh mountain air, it appears that they have had a recent delivery of powder and he’s gone off piste. I’m sure we’ll bump into each other again very soon. He’ll fix me with the gaze of someone who can’t quite place me, before staggering off in search of his next adrenaline fix. Somehow I think even stumbling onto the Cresta Run and sliding the whole course without a sled would fail to quench his need for speed, and now we’ve had the last Space Shuttle so few challenges remain.

Neil will be here from Ibiza next month, pigeons of Trafalgar Square beware, and I know the break in the weather will have you all reaching for shorts and Birkenstocks, no matter how 2 years ago they were.

Remember one swallow doesn’t make a summer.

 

Copyright © 2011 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

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