The Juxtaposition – My Missionary in Life

Please Note:

The shop will be closing at 15.30 next Saturday 15th June, and re-opening on Wednesday the 19th June at 11 am, and will also be closed on Tuesday 25th June, re-opening on Wednesday the 26th June.

STOP PRESS

Let’s get away from all the political shenanigans momentarily and concentrate on the things that really matter!

Justin Bieber has offered to take on Tom Cruise in the Octagon, that’s like the Pentagon, but with eight sides… If you ask me it’s a little one sided! But further proof that someone’s ego is making too much money. I have asspirations of being Kim Kardashian! OMG, LOL, LMAO, FUNEX, SVFX…

My Husky 430X

Oh! The juxtaposition…

In order that my bid for leadership is not derailed, I must admit to one or two failings.

Did I stumble, did I fall?

In this time of disclosure, I have to admit to paying TAX.

I was young foolish, listened to my accountant. It was peer pressure, my friends all did it, and I didn’t want to appear naïve. So even when it appeared in those little envelopes, I admit to paying my Class 1 NI.

Temptation lay at every turn, I’m waiting for my man, an envelope of Brown Sugar in his hand, until I Can’t feel my Face, my spending money neatly rolled into my Sterling Silver candy box, Sugar, Sugar you are my Candy Girl.

There was one occasion whilst I was cooking with Porcini, a unicorn in a Godzilla suit at my side, when a gust of wind blew my pile of notes off the table, only for them to find a home where they were owed, but I never touched them.

Anyway, it was only Monopoly money, I never passed Go, or rolled three doubles in a row. Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side…

But I made my cash with Jeremiah Peabody’s Polyunsaturated Quick-Dissolving Fast-Acting Pleasant-Tasting Green and Purple Pills… and unwarranted intellectual kudos. According to my man Charlie, who has just dropped off a parcel.

Let him without sin cast the first die…

If you see with innocent eyes, everything is divine.

De Pefffel, has meanwhile suggested that we should raise the threshold from £50 to £80, to take anything of any Class out of the reach of poor people. Has he not learned the aspirational nature of humanity? The law of supply and demand? Sometimes less is more, well more or less!

God has a way of telling you are making too much money.

Next week I am taking delivery of my new motor.

On the way out is my Husqvarna 430X. It’s been amazing, but the driving experience has been a little lacking, and in all honesty watching this little fella bumping into things around the garden hasn’t filled me with joy. A Rolling Stone gathers no moss and all that…

So, step up the Mean Mower V2 with 0-100 mph time of 6.29 seconds the lawn will be done in a jiffy. Topping out at nearly 151 mph. 

Too much money, my elbow. I’ll be able to get the crop in that little bit quicker…

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

 

Five Spice

Let us get the photos of the cute dogs out of the way.

Sputnik

Shifty

Bit

Meet Bit, Sputnik and Shifty. The trio collectively weigh in at a kilo… more or less!

However, as we know looks can be deceptive, there is a much darker side to all of them. Walk them at your peril.

In a week where the Tory party appears to look more and more, like a tangled fishing line, the BBC reported on surgeons concerns that dog walkers were at risk of serious injury from wrapping leads and leashes around their hands and arms.

Well, of course they are.

How stupid do you have to be? Any one who has any knowledge of ropes and ties will understand that dogs have absolutely no idea what a ‘safe word’ is! And as for even trying to use cat, squirrel or walkies, you are just asking for trouble. Have you ever seen a dog with a bone?

Er! On the other hand, cats are a completely different kettle of fish, but that’s opening up another debate that is likely to divide the nation.

Then there was the queue waiting to climb to the summit of Mount Everest. Beneath the layers of clothing I could make out Govie, BJ and SJ, Mattie H, Stewie, Rabid Raab, Trussedup, Leadweight, Wheyhey McVey and Jeremy Hunt. I had to cut and paste him, just in case my fingers slipped on the keys! No obvious nickname there…

They are all desperately searching for the oxygen of publicity, while apparently all the smart money is on Itbeggarsbelief in trap 7.

And all these politicians are like pop stars, you’re waiting for 5 when 4 turn up together, ‘Wannabes’, who ‘Never Give Up on the Good Times’, when May has said ‘Goodbye’, ‘2Become 1’.

‘Stop’! ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ Go on, go and ‘Spice up Your Life’, just ‘Say You’ll Be There’, ‘Mama’. ‘In the Summertime’, when the sun is out ‘Let Love Lead the Way’. ‘Holler’, ‘Too much’? No gone on I can squeeze another one out!

‘Viva Forever’, remember please ‘Friendship Never Ends’…

Admit it you are now singing along.

Yes, you thought they had gone, but like so many politicians they are back. As if they never went away! Five Spice have become four, and they are still wowing their audiences. However, some fans complained the sound was so bad they couldn’t hear them. Nothing much has changed there; all I can say is thank heaven for small mercies… Well it was staged at Croak Park (sic.)

I will choose the silent disco.

Hopefully I shall get to Rocketman over the next week or so. I’m fairly certain that Sir Elton is still with us, so I’m trying to work out if this is slightly macabre or narcissistic.

As the afore mentioned ladies Spiced up the world, I suppose anything goes…

 

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

Coffee Table Deliveries… and other stories

EAT ME, DRINK ME, READ ME…

New stock at the end.

I have been told that this newsletter is turning into my travels around the world in what appears to be far, far longer than 80 days… Pish, you’ve only just noticed!

However, I will have you know that I do work, despite your painless barbs. Painless? Yes, because of the vast amounts of time I have spent lazing around in the sun, I have the skin of a Rhino.

In my profession you do well to remember that a stitch in time saves nine…

And, as I sit here, I am gently warming the soles of my feet on Hades’s hot coals. Evidently a cushy life is not without its sacrifices; this also involves keeping you all entertained every day of the week. Yes, matinees and evensong! That candle is lit at both ends, and Lil’ Kim is holding the blue touch paper.

Those of you that have visited the crypt of Santa Maria della Concezione dei Cappuccini in Rome, will know where a great many of my skeletons are buried, they delightfully sculpted into works of art, perhaps depicting the events, but I say most, but not all.

Last weekend in Ibiza I was confronted with a problem, a dilemma, a cube of Rubik proportions, and, yes. Not for the first time!

Neil had ‘bought’ a coffee table.

As many of you may recall, Neil was also instrumental in tattooing many pairs of shoes over the years, bespoke designs, sometimes letting his creative juices flow, with a dexterity that mere mortals could only envy, a wild smile across his face, the gold tooth glittering in the moonlight… only the whine of the tattoo machine breaking the silence…

Apologies, my creative juices had started to flow. As I have matured these moments of dysfunction have become more common, and from time to time I have had to resort to chemical or homeopathic remedies to finish the newsletter. Apparently these are now available in most well-known chemists… You can’t walk past a window these days without these diamonds of delight being thrust in your face, and I only went in for party hats!

Back to the problem, or moving from one to another? Neil lives high up in Ibiza old town where the air is thin, beyond The Wall, surrounded by massive stone ramparts, and the closest we could get with a van was about 80 metres away. The table was a huge lump of wood, made from the trunk of a tree in the Whispering Wood, weighing in at nearly 250kgs it had to be transported up the last 40 medieval stone steps.

We stood around in the early morning sun, sipping a Kingslayer, a Red Priestess, enjoying the view of the Seven Kingdoms, as far as the White Harbour and the Bite, discussing our various wounds, aches and pains of battle, we evaluated the options. Should we use drugs, apologies… rugs, rollers, ties, a crane, hydraulic lifters, a pendulum, a YouTube tutorial, the infinite monkey theorem, aliens, dragons?

Without ‘The Mountain’, a Leonardo or a Galileo between us, we decided to apply the principle of Occam’s Razor, meaning; ‘that the simplest solutions are preferable to complex ones.’ So, we put down our cocktail glasses, picked a corner each and onwards and upwards we struggled. After a great deal of grunting, to meing, and to youing, your end up a bit, your end down a bit, we made it.

Thus, proving that logic, and a heuristic solution, not forgetting a little brawn and Mutual Aid are a match for Superficial Intelligence! Those on high would do well to listen…

Please forgive me, for I know what I am about to do… my apologies!

But that’s how on the second to last day of my weekend away, the motley crew that carried the coffee table up the steps of the old town, ended up sitting in a row at 10 in the morning sipping ice cold Bohemian style beer supplied by the hardest tattooist that ever stuck a needle in anyone’s arm. It lasted 20 minutes that beer-break, and for those twenty minutes we felt like free men.

Cotton Polo Shirts – Short Sleeve £150

Our classic Linen Polo Shirt – £150

Contrast Collar Polo Shirt – £135

 Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

 

The Singing, Ringing Tree.

The Singing, Ringing Tree

Firstly, please note that after this evening the shop will be closed until lunchtime on Tuesday 23rd April.

Secondly, I am thinking of becoming a Member for Parliament. With my liberal views on oil and sundry, I am sure I can garner huge support, with a massive fan base both within the M25, and on an international scale, would that be enough to carry me home? I fear not.

Parliament is once again in recess… and it will be on a further 91 days; then plus another 32 days lost because of weekends, it leaves only 67 of the 190 days from the Easter break all the way up to the 31st October; in order for those so inclined to make some sort of decision.

We all know that Nero fiddled merrily away while Rome burned, but they’ll be doing it in Chiantishire, St Trop, cruising amongst the Greek Islands or Westward Ho!

There is not a hope in Hades that they will sit through any of the recesses to sort out the monumental debacle they have created. Mud so deep it could be Glastonbury, such is their commitment to resolving anything. Much like statistics, debating has the same hypnotic and stultifying effect on the senses.

Hands up if anyone has NOT fallen asleep in class.

By then the grass will be as tall as wheat, the Harvest Festival will have been and gone, and any of our esteemed members bobbing for apples wouldn’t have gotten their faces wet, such is their ability to pucker-up!

Even Jezza Corbyn dressed as an abbot, astride his ‘fatboy’, out there in the long grass with his hammer and sickle will be unable to find where it’s been kicked.

Perhaps our beloved darling bud has misread, then misunderstood Sun Tzu:

“He will win, he whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks.”

Splitters! Divide and conquer…

I am a little worried by my friend little ‘M’. He hasn’t featured in a newsletter for a while, but he is doing his best to make a return. Those of you with a long memory will remember that his propensity for excess, was only matched by his propensity for largesse. But his WhatsApp messages have taken on an altogether darker tone. Talk of decamping to Belize, catching a wave in Costa Rica, raising turtles…OMG

However, he too is thinking of joining me in my quest for political freedom, he will be the brains, I will bring the drinks and the Easter Eggs, made from sugar free chocolate. There’ll be no fun for anyone at this rate…

Our party will hence forth be known as the ‘Killjoys’, and at some point King Arthur will have something to say about the damn Yankee!

We’re busy doin’ nothin’
Workin’ the whole day through
Tryin’ to find lots of things not to do
We’re busy going nowhere
Isn’t it just a crime
We’d like to be unhappy, but
We never do have the time…

But finally, I would like to wish you all a very Happy Easter. Have a wonderful break in the sun.

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

Somewhere over the Rainbow

The sun is out, the sky is blue, there’s not a cloud to spoil the view…

Cotton and linen blend short sleeve t-shirts £135

Short sleeve Pima cotton single button polo shirts £150

Pima cotton zip-fronted cardigans £175

Linen, cotton and silk blended short sleeve t-shirts £160

Sooooo Goldfinger… Towelling buttonless, short sleeve polo shirts £150

Short sleeve linen t-shirts £135

Short sleeve hand-framed linen t-shirts £150

Long Sleeve linen blend pullovers £175

Various polo shirts…. did I say sexy? £150

Candy stripe summer cotton shirts £145

Linen long sleeved shirts in Joseph’s many colours £145

Lightweight, long sleeve summer jersey shirts £145

Summer seeeeeer suckers £145

Cotton print shirts £145

Nearly sold out of these… Giro Inglese open weave shirts in 3 colours £145

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

Putting it off

Yes, I am aware that this thought has crossed one or two minds, that fact summer may never come.

Even someone with my pea-sized intellect has noticed this!

However, trust me it will, and much as I recoil at the thought, there will be one or two of you sporting a wardrobe full of my Emperor’s Collection, solely because you ignored my advice. The wardrobe doors will open to reveal a row of hangers clad in the finest nothing…

Strike while the iron is tepid, leap before looking, save the date, back in the day and keep calm…. help is at hand! Surprised by my triteness? You shouldn’t be, you know me too well. My shallowness, weakness and forthrightness are admired in equal measure. Come back as me if you dare…

So the good news is that we have managed to increase the number of cloth makers we work with.

We now have ranges from Piacenza, Drapers, Caccioppoli, as always Ariston, and finally Loro Piana once again…

And have no fear, all are as reasonably priced as ever, well apart from Piacenza, but hey dig deep!

This is a small selection of a much larger selection! Dare I say something for everyone?

Summer from Ariston

Jackets by Ariston

Caccioppoli – Suits and Jackets

Luxury on an unprecedented scale by Piacenza

and finally Loro Piana

Less offensive than the last…

Bridge over Troubled Water

Never in the field of human intellect have so many been offended by so few.

Captain Mainwareing, Corporal Jones et alamein, have been out on the beach at Warmington, filling up the sand bags. Under the tungsten glow of the lamps on the M25, they are slowly, but surely building a wall against us. Our lives will be forever Harvest Festival…

Just remember, once we have gone there will be no money from the EU to replace the missing sand! Just an eternity of Long Shore Drift.

Their cries of MAYday, MAYday, MAYday, inaudible above the noise of Ferraris, Lamborghinis and Bentleys roaring round our giant ring road. We’ll fill the moat with champagne, and turn the House of Commons into a prison, filling it with those bereft of morals…

Bolt the door, lock the gate and throw away the key…

The City State of London is declared. We don’t care what your passport says, if you are willing to work, you are all welcome to stay, our passport will remain resolutely red, paint yours Frenchie Blue if you want.

But wait, Private Walker has worked out how to smuggle a little ‘How’s yer father’ across the Irish Border… Warmington will be awash with hooch, packets of smokes, French nylons, a mouth organ and playing cards with semi-clad (gender of preference) on the back! As he knows only too well, there is short cut round everything, and what the Revenue can’t scan, they won’t know about.

Arthur Daley’s invisible man will be back, and everyone will be only to communicate with each other via shorthand on the back of a saucy postcard. Scrumpy laced Snakebite will return as the nation’s favourite tipple. Lucky heather for every buttonhole.

‘Much ado about nothing’ will run and run… Theresa will be Beatrice, Jean-Claude as Benedick (how does that translate from Latin?), with Donald as Claudio and Michel as Hero.

If we can only get the Heinz 27 to agree that Hero wasn’t unfaithful to Claudio, we could live happily ever after. But you mock me, this is politics and our Hammer House Mother of all Parliaments has spawned the David Cameron’s Incubus.

As you all know there are only five ways to overcome the attacks of an Incubus, Exorcism, Sacramental confession, the Sign of the Cross, moving the afflicted to another location, and by excommunication of the attacking entity… It looks like three of the five are being worked on.

I was in Wome, seeing what Womans do! My life as Bwian and resurrection awaits, I have suddenly understood what Benedick translates to in Latin. You’ll get it if you’ve seen the film, but don’t watch on my account. No, I mean don’t watch on my account, it’s my Netflix and I’ll chill when I want to… Two newsletters in a row, I take a bow!

I was working on next Winters collection and stayed in Trastevere, if any travel recommendations are needed, those living within the M25 can send me an email, others, the back of a postcard. Like Vlad the lad, we now have our own internet… and our own Great Firewall.

Anyway, those of you who have bothered to read the previous email, will already know there is some new stock…

I will finish with a flourish; my very good friend Tim has a letting agency par excellence. A phrase I will no longer be able to utter only mutter after the 29th.

http://www.drakers.co.uk

 

Incubus

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.