The Constant Whiff of Sulphur…

New stock…

Wait for it, ‘old yer ‘orses, I haven’t photographed it yet! Patience Glasshopper (sic.), time will tell.

We are now back open as normal, Monday to Friday 11am – 7pm and Saturday 10am until 5pm.

Stop Press: I have just been accused of closing early too often!

Et tu Brute! Put your tea down, switch off the Netflix, and get some sleep. You know who you are…

I am and will be available outside these hours, by appointment; for an extra fee. You can find details of rates on my personal ‘only fans’ website, which has been reconstructed after a hacking incident. Who would do that? You only had to ask, and I would have sent you the videos.

For a small monthly fee, you can see extra content of me modelling my current ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ collection!!!

My handcart has been delivered, it’s a one-way ticket from here on in; make a space in a ditch for me. However, strangely the gutter has always been my preference!

So, onwards and downwards, the path unwinds before me, like a Slinky gathering momentum, gravity pulling me down…

There is a curled, crooked, bony finger beckoning me. The smell of sulphur follows me everywhere I go; and yet I have washed a thousand times since the volcanic, hot springs of Arenal, its pool with a swim-up bar and endless shots of Bailey’s Comets. (Look the recipe up, it’s disgusting).

Perhaps the crack in the earth’s crust which had allowed me to escape, has placed its long fiery arm on my collar, like a dog chained to its house.

My purgatory prorogued, put on the back burner as opposed to ice, or the can kicked down the road. It’s like a recurring dream each time I reach down to pick it up, it rolls away like one of those electric toys you can buy to entertain pets.

That shows you the world we live in today, we can always employ a robot to do our bidding, the tasks we could have done, we hand over to technology.

I watched Blade Runner 2049 again, or should I say I attempted to. On neither occasion was I accompanied by the Birdman, so I can’t even blame him. Perhaps, I could employ a robot to watch the films for me and recommend the ones worth watching. The latest attempt was on a flight to Costa Rica, and rather than put me to sleep, it made me so frustrated it kept me awake, for hours! So, then I confused myself further, by attempting to read the plot summaries.

No amount of alcohol, or pills could take the edge off.

Anyways, I emerged from beneath the Earth’s crust in Arenal, to spend 10 days relaxing in Costa Rica. It was rainy season, no silly comments please, I know my geography, and I am a disciple of Ra. Such is the beauty of the country and people, that I almost forgot about the rain! I won’t bore you with more than one sunset, when you could have a hundred different versions in a single evening.

Now unusual as it is for me to promote anything but, I cannot recommend https://www.makanda.com highly enough. I would go back tomorrow.

Sadly, I can’t because I am off to Ibiza. Yes, the lack of sun took its toll, and I need to catch up with Neil. I have an itch to scratch, bare my chest and face the sun, and for that I have the guys at https://gastromealprep.co.uk to thank. The tastiest, and I mean that, prepared and balanced meals, I have tried, in my vain attempts to keep my figure!!!

On this note, many of you ask me for the occasional recommendation. I have saved many of the places I visit on my Google Maps and the lists grow with ideas and help from others. They may be of use or not, but if they can be, drop me a note and I will assist where I can.

Moving forward.

Our 20th Anniversary is the 20th October. Thank you for those of you who have congratulated us on Linkedin.

People ask me how we have survived for nearly 20 years.

Luck I suppose, sleight of hand, a trick of the light, smoke and the mirrors… but most importantly, it wouldn’t have been possible by the huge number of friends who have crossed the threshold, and stayed friends. The first people who ever came through the door now live in Argentina, and I still see them a couple of times a year.

I will write more about this closer to the time, but thank you, one and all.. we’re in for another 10 years.

Sunset – Makanda by the Sea

 

 

 Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Absinthe Minded

STOP the presses:

Perseus fresh from a sojourn in Ibiza visited moi to try a pair of stretch cotton chinos…

Now I’m not saying he is high maintenance, but he was soooo tired after a rigorous session in the gym, that he flopped into the leather chair in the basement and beckoned me to pull the trousers off, as he was too tired to struggle with them.

After all, and I quote, “I’m exhausted after doing hundreds of one arm, leg curls!” I think I have to have a word with his trainer…

Let’s get back to matter in hand!

Monsieur Louboutin said recently that he is vaguely horrified… Quelle horreur!

Like all great designers, his existential struggle with his customers really mirrors my own.

Not that you are all tottering around in red soled, high heeled shoes… I said not all of you!

His boeuf, is that he can’t always control how his collection is worn, and by whom. Tell me about it!

Whereas, I do try my best, but sometimes, it’s in one ear and out the other.

Much of the time those red soles are seen gracing the feet of a certain type of professional person, of which the greatest concentration of pairs found in any one location is apparently in Chelsea Cloisters, also known as seven floors of… or so I am reliably informed.

How was Christian to know that his collection would be thrown to the lions of hooker chic?

Not that all of them are off the hook.

I am unaware of any of my clients who would wear my collection in such a fashion, yet I would not be surprised by the peccadillos of those whose needs I humbly attend to.

Perhaps I am Androcles in this story, after all he was a tailor.

Talking about being thrown to the lions.

Our poor Ambassador to the US, Sir Kim has had his red carpet pulled out from underneath him.

The whole thing ‘Smells of Teen Spirit’. Unfortunately, I couldn’t twist that into an anagram of treason.

In this modern age, while our youth is struggling with the dilemma and burdens of social media exposure, the rest of us are coming to terms with the fact, that each time we touch a key there is someone looking over our shoulder, no matter who we are, or where we are.

On a personal level, I have taken to closing my eyes and striking wildly at the keys. It is in the vain hope that like a chimpanzee writing the entire works of Shakespeare, what I produce; may at some time, mean something to someone, somewhere.

At least I can then say I didn’t know what I was writing.

Then you have ‘The D’, who is up all night telling us all to go forth and divide, he just can’t help himself. I can only imagine he wanders off to the loo in the middle of the night, in his red silken pjs, hair askew, his phone in those tiny little hands, leaving Melania like sleeping beauty, awaiting the return of her Prince.

He sits upon his throne, and picks up a copy of National Geographic, the ‘Red Mist’ descends, thumbs aflame.

Women adorn each page, an agender he has never fully understood.

Are we now all, weather obsessed, and with weather apps? Gone are the days of pine cones, holding up a wet finger, or even looking up at the sky. Our phones and watches now buzz with weather updates, a point zero one drop in temperature, severe weather warnings, relative humidity, a tree falling in the forest, a sensor to tell us that the fridge light is on when the door is closed!

Many years ago, Michael Fish was castigated for missing a hurricane.

But fear ye not, we have modern technology, do not be alarmed… It has not rained recently…

They were swarms of flying ants.

Pah!

No, true; the ants apparently, look the same as rain clouds to certain types of weather radar. I can only assume that locusts resemble, snow. A plague on both your houses!

Just for when you are being a little Absinthe minded!

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved

Perseuspicacious

Tik tok, tik tok, like the crocodile in Peter Pan…

Time is money, and I can have my 15 seconds of fame…

You can pay me to be your drama queen, well it is Pride this weekend. I know, what changes you ask?

I’d give my left arm for that… by hook or by crook.

And for £48.99 you can get access to my ‘onlyfans’ page with special, exclusive content, including the moment when I lose it big time with a particularly awkward customer… it shows the scene where I do not blow on the brass end of the tape measure that I keep in the freezer, just for moments like that.

And beware it contains graphic, disturbing, yet strangely compelling images and videos.

Talking of that, Big D is out pressing the flesh with Lil’ Kim. Only Kim’s problem was that he couldn’t erect a wall quickly enough, and Donald just stepped across the border and invade North Korea.

In future this moment is to be known as Donald’s ‘Lego Legover’, I hope Lego doesn’t mean anything rude in Korean.

Big D, could be heard singing along to himself…

“I’m not the man they think I am home…

… All this science

I don’t understand

It’s just my job five days a week. My little Rocket Man.”

Now the sun’s out, ewwwww. Has it caught people by surprise?

Perseus is heading for a wedding on Ibiza. A right Bobby Dazzler he explained to me. It’s his first visit, and he’s as giddy as a school… (insert gender of preference!), as long as it is non-primary…

Do you believe in Angels????

Oh, stop it I only write this stuff.

Four fun filled days of organised entertainment. I’m sure there will be line dancing, there always is on Ibiza! He is exporting his caustic wit, and I have warned him not to blow it all on one intense session, the blood pressure may never recover…

He may have slain Cetus, but when it comes to affairs of the boudoir, occasionally he stumbles, his ability to apply fake tan has never improved, despite the enormous amount of practice he has had over the years.

In fact you might have seen him from a train window in a field tied by a rope to a post, such is the dappled effect!

Today, I saw on a famous shop window in Soho, a man clad, in tight, black Lycra and a helmet.

Hmmmm, you know you are searching the wrong images, in the wrong place.

A hint… Middle aged men in Lycra…

Next to him was the slogan ‘Developed for years to save you seconds.’ What an appalling study in time and motion.

Those amongst you who lusted over and on occasion fondled my Pinarello carbon fibre saddle in the shop will know that if you are that desperate to lose a few grams, take a rest room break or sneeze, that way those grams won’t end up your nose! Not that I condone the use of performance enhancing substances, except in an emergency, and for those of you who asked me, a ‘Jaegerbomb’ enhances no performance at any time, in any way! Especially four of them.

But, if that development were my life’s work, I’d be devastated… seconds, is that all I will gain? No wonder Oliver asked for more!

However, it might be said I have a similar approach to life, and my obsession with Hades. I worked my entire life to ensure that I merely spend just seconds in Purgatory, and then go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect £200. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me…

Oranges and Lemons – Don’t forget to hydrate

 Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved

 

 

 

 

 

The Juxtaposition – My Missionary in Life

Please Note:

The shop will be closing at 15.30 next Saturday 15th June, and re-opening on Wednesday the 19th June at 11 am, and will also be closed on Tuesday 25th June, re-opening on Wednesday the 26th June.

STOP PRESS

Let’s get away from all the political shenanigans momentarily and concentrate on the things that really matter!

Justin Bieber has offered to take on Tom Cruise in the Octagon, that’s like the Pentagon, but with eight sides… If you ask me it’s a little one sided! But further proof that someone’s ego is making too much money. I have asspirations of being Kim Kardashian! OMG, LOL, LMAO, FUNEX, SVFX…

My Husky 430X

Oh! The juxtaposition…

In order that my bid for leadership is not derailed, I must admit to one or two failings.

Did I stumble, did I fall?

In this time of disclosure, I have to admit to paying TAX.

I was young foolish, listened to my accountant. It was peer pressure, my friends all did it, and I didn’t want to appear naïve. So even when it appeared in those little envelopes, I admit to paying my Class 1 NI.

Temptation lay at every turn, I’m waiting for my man, an envelope of Brown Sugar in his hand, until I Can’t feel my Face, my spending money neatly rolled into my Sterling Silver candy box, Sugar, Sugar you are my Candy Girl.

There was one occasion whilst I was cooking with Porcini, a unicorn in a Godzilla suit at my side, when a gust of wind blew my pile of notes off the table, only for them to find a home where they were owed, but I never touched them.

Anyway, it was only Monopoly money, I never passed Go, or rolled three doubles in a row. Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side…

But I made my cash with Jeremiah Peabody’s Polyunsaturated Quick-Dissolving Fast-Acting Pleasant-Tasting Green and Purple Pills… and unwarranted intellectual kudos. According to my man Charlie, who has just dropped off a parcel.

Let him without sin cast the first die…

If you see with innocent eyes, everything is divine.

De Pefffel, has meanwhile suggested that we should raise the threshold from £50 to £80, to take anything of any Class out of the reach of poor people. Has he not learned the aspirational nature of humanity? The law of supply and demand? Sometimes less is more, well more or less!

God has a way of telling you are making too much money.

Next week I am taking delivery of my new motor.

On the way out is my Husqvarna 430X. It’s been amazing, but the driving experience has been a little lacking, and in all honesty watching this little fella bumping into things around the garden hasn’t filled me with joy. A Rolling Stone gathers no moss and all that…

So, step up the Mean Mower V2 with 0-100 mph time of 6.29 seconds the lawn will be done in a jiffy. Topping out at nearly 151 mph. 

Too much money, my elbow. I’ll be able to get the crop in that little bit quicker…

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.