Let’s begin with our illustrious leader and his mate, they’re like Shaggy and Scooby Doo. If you are in need of medical assistance have no fear you will have the PM, London Mayor and St John’s Ambulance in attendance. Dave will hold your hand and smooth your furrowed brow, maybe even pass on a few tips on how to keep that fresh from the baked bean tin look. Him and Boris astride their bikes coming to the aid of all and sundry, our 4th Emergency Service.

So I have now created an algorithm and no longer need to write the newsletter myself. I just type in the key words, Adrian, Neil, Lycra, Adam, mask, bicycle and Ibiza into my iPad, set a word count and it writes the newsletter for me.

It is a far from a perfect solution, and the first drafts have been pretty humourless, but that’s what you get for letting anything from Apple write for you. The cruel amongst you may even say no change from the normal rubbish I write. Of course at the other extreme I could have just asked JC or Nigel Barrage to write it for me.

Talking of those two, May is National Walking month.

I had to read that twice, give me a consonant Ms Vorderman. So I shall be walking a lot this month, but as I said when is there not a month when I’m not doing something?

Why should I walk when I can get on “il Cervo”, and I have been alternating between my ‘fixie’ and the beast, at least it’s good to be back in the saddle, well walking at least! Circuits of Richmond Park have become a given, and when the weather has been good, it has been very good.

However spare a thought for Adam he is riding from the top of Ireland to the southern tip for Charity. Is he mad? Yes, obviously! I also suspect that he feels by cycling from North to South, he thinks it is all downhill! By all accounts it was 37 hours in the saddle, wind and rain all the way. No chance of me doing it next year!

It’s good to see the mask is getting plenty of use. Apparently Adam is adamant that he will use it at some point in every charity event he takes part in. So during May he’ll be walking in it a lot.

As some of you know I have been back to Ibiza. Given the huge pile of things that Neil has sent here, I found it easier to get a flight down there with everything in a suitcase. So I was Neil’s mule, and in the coffin, I mean case; were several dead bodies!! Emi was a little disappointed that I had stolen her bed to transport Neil’s bits to Ibiza without taking her. Where is she going to sleep without her coffin? Settle down guys.

Neil will be opening the ‘Inkadelic Hotel’ this year. It will be next door to his studio in Plaza Mercato Viejo in Ibiza Town, and will be full of Neil’s personality. I have suggested he should have a large preserved horse’s head by the side of the bed for those special moments. There is a sign in the Plaza in front of Neil’s shop asking for people to donate any small dead animals. Recently he was given a Flamingo skull, and he also accosted a neighbour who was carrying a dead mouse by its tail at arms length, clearly the Steve McQueen of mice. She was stunned that he would want to preserve this creature in fomaldehyde.

I think as part of room service Neil should offer a Tattoo Menu.

Sat at dinner the other night with Neil and Isaac, we were marvelling at the table next to us. Now I don’t have children and hence have no right to judge, but this crowd were so engrossed in their various tablets and phones, I could only assume that they were communicating to each other via these means. It was the quietest table I have ever sat next to. Only a small step from telepathy!

Thank you to Stuart for even more beer from the Arundel Brewery. Hic!!!!

http://www.arundelbrewery.co.uk/index.htm

Now I shall have to share this with you all, and I have run this past the groom. OK, not the bride, but hell it made me laugh. My friend Chris is getting married on the 4th July, isn’t that Independence Day? And they will be honeymooning it at The Priory, clearly!!!!!

I must also share a couple of celeb moments for the ladies amongst you, and of course Conchita Wurst. What kind of name is that? I mean, should my stage name be Lumpy Lycra?

Anyway a very funny moment at my expense.

I’m walking down Shaftesbury Ave and a couple of guys are walking alongside me. I suddenly notice a huge number of girls and a few guys either swooning or acting incredibly animated and looking in my direction.

I’m thinking to myself, god I must be looking hot!!!!!

I was brought back down to earth with a jolt when I notice the guy who has been walking alongside me for the last 100 yards was Viggo Mortensen…..

I shall follow this with a “mythbuster”. I was training in the gym one evening a few days ago, when I was shocked to see someone whose fitness was always called into doubt during his playing career, exercising next to me, sometimes he had been said to have been carrying too much timber!. Now svelt and tanned he looks the picture of health, none other than the great David Ginola.

Lunch on Monday was with an old friend at Es Boldado nestled on the cliffs to the right of this photo above.

I am however going to delete the Lycanthropic app from my phone; I’ve just stopped sleeping when the moon is full, and by all accounts reacting to the full moon in this way may mean that Jeremy will bar me from The Wolseley.

I took this photo as the moon was setting. It was such a beautiful morning, I woke next to the runway at T5. The hairs on the palms of my hands were receding. How I got here I’ll never know, one last howl at the moon and wait; my clothes are in shreds….

As I was at T5, I thought I would the opportunity to board the first flight I could get on, just in the spirit of adventure. Sadly I fell at the first hurdle, it was going to Newcastle, it seemed an easier proposition to walk home.

We are going to have to initiate a naked work day, however as always I will struggle because obviously I won’t have a thing to wear.

And isn’t it strange that the two people who inflict me with the most pain are both called Neil…..

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