So I was bored on a flight, and this shows just how quickly I can come up with this drivel.
It’s an old favourite, much like me. However I think now is the time to resurrect it; unlike me, who should be left to fester.
A small reminder of the weird and wonderful world that exists inside my head.
For years I have entertained myself and friends on holiday with a game of “What shoes would they really wear?”
This is a game where we try to imagine the preferred footwear of the scantily dressed people around the pool whilst on holiday. It is inspired by Carl Lewis wearing a pair of red stilettos, and after a couple of drinks it can get very, very silly.
This game is however a far more sinister one, and inspired by recent events.
So here are 10 nightmare scenarios of people and the things they might say, stood at the end of your bed, hopefully not naked, and not saying they are ready for fun!
Not in order of preference.
1: Jeffrey Archer – “Now I remember what the brown envelope was for!”
2: Pete Burns – “Do you think my lips look big in this?”
3: Beyonce – “You should have put a ring on it.”
4: Boris Johnson – “Do you like our new contactless payment system?”
5: Two in one; Jocelyn Wildenstein wearing a Michael Jackson mask or Michael wearing a Jocelyn mask. – “Billy Jean is not my son.”
6: Vladimir Putin – “Have you noticed the remarkable likeness of this object to my natural head?”
But to be honest the mere fact that Vlad the impaler is stood at the end of your bed holding anything would be scary enough.
7: Gordon Ramsay: “Welcome to my new series of bedroom nightmares and tonight we’ll be sprinkling everything with chillies.”
The other game to play, is a sweepstake whilst watching a Gordon Ramsay programme and betting how long it is before he whips his shirt off.
8: Dave Cameron: “This is how we played a game of ‘hide and seek’ at Eton.”
9: Dolly the sheep, Dolly the sheep, Dolly the sheep, Dolly the sheep, Dolly the Sheep…… You get the idea – “behhhh!”
10: Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh: “X marks the spot.”
And one for luck.
11: Dear Silvio – Are you wearing my hairpiece?
Luckily for you, I have omitted those involving Carol Vorderman, Delia Smith, Luis Suarez, the Angry Birds, The TellyTubbies and Pepper Pig!
After 10 horror stories a couple of happy memories that will have more than likely have involved the demon drink.
And I have avoided the obvious, which would be waking on a boat in Ibiza, in the shadow of Es Vedra, surrounded by; well, Bowfinger knows!
1: Jeremy King who would clearly be impeccably dressed as always.
Adam and I would be asleep on separate banquets in The Wolseley. Having fallen asleep following an extremely long evening of excellent food and fine wine. The girls would have left us to our own devices and gone off clubbing.
The staff will have taken pity on us and as we slept off dinner, covered us with linen tablecloths and propped our heads up on empty champagne bottles. We would be woken by the smell of a Wolseley full English breakfast and a restorative glass of champagne.
2: The Green Parrot in Green Park – perched on my big toe. I am dressed in the Emperor’s new clothes, warmed by the rays of the sun and the morning dew on my back. Another victim of a night on the Absinthe, and the Emerald Fairy, I stroll across the park towards The Wolseley and a handmaiden feeds me what looks like a peeled grape and hands me a soft towelling robe to preserve my modesty and Marie’s blushes.