Tik tok, tik tok, like the crocodile in Peter Pan…

Time is money, and I can have my 15 seconds of fame…

You can pay me to be your drama queen, well it is Pride this weekend. I know, what changes you ask?

I’d give my left arm for that… by hook or by crook.

And for £48.99 you can get access to my ‘onlyfans’ page with special, exclusive content, including the moment when I lose it big time with a particularly awkward customer… it shows the scene where I do not blow on the brass end of the tape measure that I keep in the freezer, just for moments like that.

And beware it contains graphic, disturbing, yet strangely compelling images and videos.

Talking of that, Big D is out pressing the flesh with Lil’ Kim. Only Kim’s problem was that he couldn’t erect a wall quickly enough, and Donald just stepped across the border and invade North Korea.

In future this moment is to be known as Donald’s ‘Lego Legover’, I hope Lego doesn’t mean anything rude in Korean.

Big D, could be heard singing along to himself…

“I’m not the man they think I am home…

… All this science

I don’t understand

It’s just my job five days a week. My little Rocket Man.”

Now the sun’s out, ewwwww. Has it caught people by surprise?

Perseus is heading for a wedding on Ibiza. A right Bobby Dazzler he explained to me. It’s his first visit, and he’s as giddy as a school… (insert gender of preference!), as long as it is non-primary…

Oh, stop it I only write this stuff.

Four fun filled days of organised entertainment. I’m sure there will be line dancing, there always is on Ibiza! He is exporting his caustic wit, and I have warned him not to blow it all on one intense session, the blood pressure may never recover…

He may have slain Cetus, but when it comes to affairs of the boudoir, occasionally he stumbles, his ability to apply fake tan has never improved, despite the enormous amount of practice he has had over the years.

In fact you might have seen him from a train window in a field tied by a rope to a post, such is the dappled effect!

Today, I saw on a famous shop window in Soho, a man clad, in tight, black Lycra and a helmet.

Hmmmm, you know you are searching the wrong images, in the wrong place.

A hint… Middle aged men in Lycra…

Next to him was the slogan ‘Developed for years to save you seconds.’ What an appalling study in time and motion.

Those amongst you who lusted over and on occasion fondled my Pinarello carbon fibre saddle in the shop will know that if you are that desperate to lose a few grams, take a rest room break or sneeze, that way those grams won’t end up your nose! Not that I condone the use of performance enhancing substances, except in an emergency, and for those of you who asked me, a ‘Jaegerbomb’ enhances no performance at any time, in any way! Especially four of them.

But, if that development were my life’s work, I’d be devastated… seconds, is that all I will gain? No wonder Oliver asked for more!

However, it might be said I have a similar approach to life, and my obsession with Hades. I worked my entire life to ensure that I merely spend just seconds in Purgatory, and then go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect £200. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me…

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