The Doomsday Newsletter…

Stop Press – the Doomsday Clock has been moved 20 seconds closer to midnight… the end of the world is nigh? It is now officially one hundred seconds before the end of the world.

I’d better hurry up then, and get the bad stuff out of the way, so you are reading something more uplifting when the lights go out!

According to the scientists we now live in the most dangerous times we have ever lived in.

You mean more dangerous than during the First or Second World wars, the plague, the Cuban missile crisis or the Gulf War? Perhaps, even a time before the ‘Dangerous Dogs Act’?

And then the London Mayor tells us that our great city is the most polluted it has ever been. What tf… Does he not remember the 80’s when you could still smoke on the tube and the particle pollution from the buses created the dunes of Oxford Street, and snow was black? Where did pea soup come from!

I am officially no longer listening to Radio 4, I have had enough of people trying to frighten us all, it’s pathetic. Now they have Corona to scare us with, when I was young Corona was a soft drink, and I used to collect the bottles to get the deposit back!

Just stop it. I have had four conversations with people this morning who I had to talk off ledges because of all this rabid mis-information…

Anyway, armageddon on with this. Yes, I know, I have resorted to poor humour!!!

Until this moment, it is the first time in a while that I have written this on a plane. Perhaps at this altitude I am feeling a little light headed. Pull the mask towards you and breathe normally, please note that the paper bag may not inflate, in cases of hyper-ventilation.

One or two have suggested that my carbon footprint this year is already starting to resemble that of ‘Bigfoot’!

In reply, I can only suggest that we do not peddle fast fashion.

Quite the opposite, it is an entirely sustainable product. Some of you seem to make a suit last for decades. There is no inbuilt obsolescence, no corners cut, and the only cheap labour is me, and my fingers worked to the bone…

I have Greta what’s her name checking her VAR. She has walked the long walk to the side of the pitch and is gazing intensely in to the monitor, to see if I have strayed offside…

She has a whistle for attracting attention! Or Dixie!

What penalty will it be yellow, will it be red, or just a single use plastic infringement? I am crap at drawing straws… I always have the shortest!

Perhaps it will be points on my old paper license, which I have had over forty years and this would be replaced with a plastic one.

Remember points… mean prizes!

People have even been enquiring whether I have retired… OMG, wtf, bae, lmao…. I haven’t got a clue what they mean, but I am learning to speak Snowflake; and Japanese at the same time. But no sooner have I committed a Snowflake to memory, it has melted away.

And honestly; I am finding the Japanese easier… lol… a very camp friend of mine recently sent me a message which I am still struggling to work out.. FUNRDN4ME… OMG…. the penny has dropped! Heavens to Betsy…

Talking about sustainability, I am not concentrating only on the product, it is also a personal voyage. I am desperate to last longer, read into that what you will, but I am sure one or two will be, and sniggering behind your hand. Whateva’, you know who you are, and it is only mildly amusing…

What I mean to say, is that my mother is now 91; and when I spent New Year with her, she said how much she was looking forward to the American election in November, staying up all night and Donald’s imminent impeachment. I doff my hat to her, she is indefatigable, and I wish in my younger years I had been a man enough to tell her how much I love and admire her. Only in recently have I really understood and appreciated her love and sacrifices for my brother and me. Not because of a naivety, but perhaps because I thought I had been expected, mistakenly in my head; to be the man of the family, when I am still the child.

For someone who weeps at the end of the first Alien movie, you would have thought I would be better equipped to voice my feelings!

Her eyesight is poor, but importantly, not so bad that she cannot tell that her glass is half full, rather than half empty. I shall stand eternally by her side to ensure it is topped up.

We attempted a day of a dry Veganuary, it lasted, but a fleeting moment once we realised our tomato juice really did taste better with Vodka, and Lea & Perrins.

Oh well, there will be another month when we can give up something else.

Perhaps Scentember, when we all give up our boudoir habits… Hmmmm, I shall not be availing myself of public transport…

Life is about balance, and in my case, I am lucky that a small, live elephant is standing on the other side of my scales.

Copyright © 2020 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved


Leave a Reply