In the time of Heliogabalus…

Please read to the end!

I have returned from Narnia, through the back of the wardrobe, as if it were no time at all!

And, my little keyboard warriors, I can feel your hands hovering above the keys, waiting for my next move and this has been a very, very long time coming. I have been sat in the shop warming my hands like Bob Cratchit over a candle, and that candle, like Texas, has been in a rolling power shutdown.

I spent this time mulling over various existential questions, such as; will we be ever able to play Twister again? Yet, smeared in hand sanitiser it could provide a safe, frictionless surface!

Before lockdown, I was contemplating taking up Shibari, a kind of vertical Twister for Boy Scouts. I have a very good friend who is a corsetier and she showcased this at one of her events. Gentlemen, if you have over-indulged during the lockdowns, she has some of the solutions you may have been looking for! Breathe in!

However, rather than make jigsaws I decided to learn how to fold a piece of paper in half. I thought it would be easier than Origami, I was proved wrong, there is someone in Pomona who has moved the world record from 8 to 12 folds!

I, of course remain at the beginner stage, and as such I am still learning to fight my way out of a paper bag!

Whilst this country has been locked in Mr Darcy’s wintery embrace, I have also been trying, and failing magnificently to make money for old rope. That’s the problem with slip knots, they do just that.

In the UK we are coming to terms with the Fisherman’s knot again, where as across the Channel they have engaged us with the European Death knot, and to make matters worse we appear to be hoist by our own petard!

Talking of making money, I’d rather forget the whole ‘GameShop Affair’, should I go long on April wheat Mr Valentine? Should I? Luckily it was the usual wager… one dollar!

Stick to what you know was the advice… Ah, knowledge! We all know a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

What do we have to fall back on, experience? OK, chalk it up!

Neil my ‘tattooist’ in Ibiza has given me an idea…

You lot have a ‘tailor’ in Pimlico, each to their own!

I am going to speculate with limited edition “Dynamite Chilli Marmite”, if only I could find some. I know I like Marmite, some of you do, and some of you don’t! It’s an, each way bet…

On Saturday I had the Pfizer vaccination… when asked, I explained it was age, before beauty! There was no, ‘last thing I saw before I passed out moment’, and none of the usual mild side effects, the slight headache, or a bluing of my vision. They make you hang around for fifteen minutes, just to ensure nothing untoward happens.

I left swollen with pride.

But, even now, I can feel the leash straining, the reins are tightening in my hands, the pressure is building. Decadence is approaching, I can feel its warm breath on my collar, Heliogabalus is preparing the invitations. Will BJ be his Pretorian Guard and snuff out the glow in his embers?

I can only hope that when Etna erupts, you are ready… not stood at the bottom covered in ash.

To which point, it has been a year or so, and I am once again offering twenty made to measure 2- piece suits, or jacket and trouser combinations from our stock cloths, to those who are prepared to stump up the readies in advance. The price will be £1100 inclusive of VAT, instead of £1390. Any extras, like a spare pair of strides, can be negotiated… Negotiated, I said, no ‘agglin’, it’s demeaning.

Perseus has been sharpening his wit, readying himself for a return to normality.

Whatever normal may be in his strange enchanted world…

Copyright © 2021 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved

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