February Newsletter 2014

Firstly a very big thank you to Wolf. He moved home during the month, and in the clear out brought one or two goodies round to the shop to share. Here is the new Volpe exercise machine in action, demonstrated by Emi, who was doing laps of the shop in order to keep fit. I’m not even going to comment on that; on the third day of Antioch, with my reputation. I shall have my vengeance in this life or the next.

That is unless of course I come back as a Gecko and spend my whole time eating insects and staring at the ceiling, whilst climbing the walls.

Space Hopper

Space Hopper

Thank goodness February is nearly over. We have been doing a Happyathon. This has meant that we have been playing Pharrell Williams’s 24 hours of Happy for 28 days. So 28 days later, I have finally turned into a rabid, cannibalistic zombie.

This newsletter is going to be a shocker, perhaps even terrifying; about time I hear you say. Obviously after my Grand Tour of Italy and extended Birthday celebrations things are returning to normal.

So turn away now if once again you are easily offended; there are photos of me later as a blonde and a brunette, wearing a red lycra playsuit that belongs to our Emi, and my transformation in order to look like Azis gathers pace. Thankfully February wasn’t the month of Hop, or I’d be Azis. I should Coco.

No the playsuit wasn’t for charity, but there is a little of that later as well, and confirmation that we raised a little something in the process.

Well in the red lycra playsuit, raising anything would swiftly become an embarrassment! It was for a special project, and not just only about me looking ridiculous, but even I am prepared to admit I look faintly weird. OK, just a little weirder than usual.

Perseus, hasn’t been around; perhaps because he’d heard about my new look, and he was a tad jealous.  All I’ve had from him was a text complaining about a hangover, and not just one, but multiple hangovers. He says he’s tried all the remedies, and this may be rich coming from me, but how about not going down that route to begin with, abstaining and waking in bed in the morning rather than lying on the bathroom floor, cuddling the superheated towel rail.

The other morning I was sat in my local café (The Wolseley) reading the sports section of Corriere della Sera.

The idea is to look as though I am reading it, it is an Italian newspaper after all, and I don’t understand a single word. Despite having dated a very beautiful Italian girl, and spent a great deal of time in Bella Italia, I know little about their sfumature, or so I pretend. I find it easier to be my naturally dumb self. I mean if Dear Silvio realised what I was like, he’d feel threatened by my presence. The perma tan would vanish and all his hair would fall out.

In the Corriere there was a very entertaining article quoting France Football and their international list of “50 football bad boys”. It was an interesting compilation taking into account the player’s behaviour on and off the pitch.

The Italian take on this was all about soccer bad boy Mario Balotelli. He made it in at Number 10. Pah!

All he has proved is that he can’t dress and only good at throwing moderately silly hissy fits. I had more problems putting on that red playsuit than he had trying to put on his hi-visibility vest. This is why the unfinished roads in Italy lead nowhere, rather than to Rome; because Mario spent more time putting on his vest than laying the tarmac.

Mario has been their Meg Matthews, and frankly some of what he has worn pushes the barriers of what is credible. Of course the common link in this is Noel Gallagher, who perhaps was happy to see both of these characters transferred out of Madchester (sic.), just to make the Pretty Green collection of his brother seem normal.

My apologies, I had digressed. I was wittering on about the list, the top two players were both English. Number one was a 70’s footballer called Robin Friday, and number two; Neil (Razor) Ruddock. I have to admit I had never heard of Robin Friday, and had to look him up. I still rate George Best higher and my breakfast companion Vincent Peter Jones (aka Henry John Lewis), or cousin Vinnie to the rest of you, is and was just animal on the pitch, and no lounge lizard off it.

Well OK, we weren’t in fact having breakfast together, but I imagine that if the footballer turned actor had been there with me it would have all kicked off. He would have obviously ignited the paper with a gaze and a snarl, and may have even gone for that famous wrestling move known as the “Gascoigne Grab”. That would have probably got us both thrown out. Red carded at The Wolseley? What would Marie say?

After her illness Marie looks better every time I see her. We have breakfast less often, but Jason, Jayne et al always ask after her. Jayne and Jason are both brilliant. Does that get me in whenever I want guys? Jayne always replies to my email request with a splendid riposte, and Jason has transferred mon repose to Vauxhall. By all accounts he needed a bigger bathroom to place all his mentions in the Newsletter to the Stars.

I didn’t realise that writing a Newsletter was illegal, m’lud. It’s my defence and I’m sticking to it.

I am also using the newsletter this month to promote a few friends businesses.

I have a friend who has a brewery. You mean to say that Adrian has a friend with a brewery, you cannot be serious. Why didn’t we guess that?

I am easily bought. A few bottles of free beer, and I’ll get your product out there. These are photos of full bottles, I can’t guarantee that they will still be full when you read this, unless of course he has sent me some new supplies.

So Stuart you now know what to do…..


It is a great beer, and once my eyesight has returned, I shall continue typing.

Arundel Brewery

Arundel Brewery

Then there is my Osteopath who I go to for repair when trainer Neil has left me a broken man. This man does have magic hands. His name is Chris Lambert-Gorwyn of CItyLifeGurus.

He says, “We all know the secret of looking good (other than being tailored by Volpe) is to feel good.  What if you felt good every day?  This is how our body naturally wants to operate and we just need to understand it a little better to help it get there.

This is what I specialise in.  My typical clients are results orientated people 35-55 years of age who are struggling with the challenge of their body not working the way that it used to.  I help them achieve quick and permanent results through a unique 5 step system I’ve developed over the last 15 years.

As a customer of Volpe myself, I would like to offer Volpe customers a limited-time offer of a complimentary telephone consultation to discuss their health, usually worth £75.  This offer is limited to the first 10 respondents.”

So there you go guys, contact me, and I’ll put you in touch.

Then there were the promised photos of me as a brunette and a blonde. So don’t tell me I won’t raise a laugh at my own expense, and as I said in these outfits I wouldn’t want to raise anything in order to cause offence, and no I wasn’t wearing this when I was padlocked to the Ponte dell’Accademia. Do really think I’m that mad; clearly you do!

If you are easily offended look away now……………..

Do you prefer blondes or brunettes

Do you prefer blondes or brunettes? Aaaarghh.

Finally and perhaps most importantly….

In the Royal Parks Half Marathon last September those of us named in the photo below, raised the sum of money below.

Thank you for all your support.

Hospice Run

OK, something extra from a Spurs fan this morning. He has been mourning the loss of GB. You mean the Scots? No Gareth Bale…….

I have lifted this from the Mid-September Newsletter last year:

So sales of Real Madrid shirts have gone up in Tiger Bay. I bet that’s improved their finances.

It looks like Real are going to be playing Crissy and Garry in tandem. Apparently they’ll be attacking from deep tormenting defences with their pace, running at them, their tight shorts and silky ball skills mesmerizing the centre backs. Perhaps, they could take it to another level, and run together holding hands, their shirts hugging their taught torsos, hair slicked back with styling product striking fear into every butch centre half. Today Cristiano is wearing a little concealer, this morning he’d noticed the beginnings of a spot, and he always wants to look his very best in front of camera.

By all accounts this partnership is working.

Finally to this particular Spurs fan, I would like to say congratulations to Ali your wife. It was obviously due to her perseverance the central heating is working, and hence her new job. Alison many, many congratulations, it’s about time.

Copyright © 2014 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

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