Pouring Petrol

New stock will be upon us shortly, which means there will be new stock on the website, wait for it! In the meantime, feast yourselves at my table of idiotic ramblings…

There are some of you who are new to this, please don’t worry, it gets easier!

Yes, I am newly woke, and as if from a slumber… a new world awaits, is it snowing outside? Has the climate changed?

Lying here, I am squinting into the glare of a ring light, I plan my next foray into the land of TikTok, frankly the make-up looks ridiculous, when I would rather relish a duvet day. I wipe a snowflake from my cheek.

The joker has shuffled his deck. In his head he’s playing five card Stud, Randy Andy is standing at the back of the room hoping for a few hands of an altogether different game of poker. Sadly, I think it is bad for moral!

For those who Boris dealt out… there will be tears and no happy ending. Of the others, I suspect one or two are once again destined to be lightning rods, others makeweights, yet all will be amply rewarded at the Crap tables.

Sir Starmer, was sold as an ‘ideas’ person (Biologically male, no specified agenda), he seems to have run out of ideas, but if he has one, after four weeks he can change his mind again. Let me check which way the wind is blowing.

I make a gesture that in the current climate could get me arrested, raise a moistened finger aloft, and immediately I am struck by lightning. It appears once again, all the pain, none of the gain…

Were Boris and Kim given reflex hammers, alongside the chocolate money, sugar mice and a tangerine in their stockings for Christmas? The slightest touch to the patella, or anywhere else sensitive, has them reacting as if mighty Thor had dealt the blow. The knee jerk that follows would stop an out of control, high-sided, 44 tonne, multi-axle truck!

500 visas, valid until Christmas Eve, sounds like a W H Smith giftcard!

100,000 lorry drivers short, all that talk of drone deliveries, and driverless vans… How I long for the days, when from a windowless van I hear a robotic voice, 10111101, 10111011101, bleep, 011101100011, bleep, where did you get your 10111011001 software programmed?

I have heard the shortage is down to Brexit, IR35, pay levels, working conditions, retirement? Amazon, anyone? But we are not allowed to criticize the men with their giant, interestingly shaped, space egos!

And what about the Yorkie bar? It may become extinct, another innocent victim of climate change!

Interestingly, Santa gets it done in a night, and carbon neutral. OK, there is a slim chance he may be drinking, whilst in control of a vehicle, but it doesn’t seem to worry those folks on electric scooters… Is there a red nose on Elon Musk’s rocket?

Returning to the topic of visas. In the January transfer window Angela Merkel is out of contract, and we can get her on a free, she can be our new midfield enforcer. In reality, we need a goalkeeper, but there no longer seems to be a politician who can be described as a safe pair of hands… Priti paid £54 million for a French defender which has let in more goals than a leaky boat, even Harry Kane has lost his sense of direction, N17 isn’t off the M11!

Then there is the petroleum crisis… Luckily, it has not yet turned into the ‘Gas Station’ scene from Zoolander, ye! But give it time… When questioned, the Government blame the media, who blame the hauliers, who blame the Government, and so on!!!

None will admit to being prone to hyperbole… after all which came first, the chicken, or the egg?

You’re a kite dancing in a hurricane, Mr Bond.

No Time to Die…

Better to be a witty fool, than a foolish wit.

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