Raising the Titanic….

Finally, Boris has found the key to the chastity belt.

Apparently, the hinges are a little rusty, but nothing a little libation and lubrication won’t attend to.

By all accounts, the key was with the remote control, hair clippers, and his droite de seigneur, down the side of the sofa in Downing Street. Let’s hope he also bagged and binned that tissue.

It’s that the sort of behaviour that affects your eyesight, no wonder dirty Dom had a spin around Barnard Castle, and as for Matt Han… I will leave you, to finish that. Anything unintelligible in Latin will do.

And it looks like it’s all to do with the right hand not knowing what the left hand is doing, especially if you have been sitting on your hands all this time… Pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side. That was the music of my youth.

Early on, my dreams of a ‘speakeasy’ were dashed, not even shaken or stirred, I could serve nothing but neat hemlock, and not a dash of Angrystrura bitters here!

I am yet to use Zoom, but I did have a Fab, something I hadn’t enjoyed since the seventies, and I have sat down at the weekends to share dinner with friends from all over Europe via WhatsApp and Facetime, whilst Zoom numbers have soared from 300,000 users to 13 million in May.

In the main we have all been so virtuous, there has been the odd slip, but for some nothing that a trip to the dentist won’t sort. It is fortunate that the roads have been so quiet. All I want for Christmas, is my two front teeth… and yet his belle has found this look rather fetching. His playing of the Harmonica remains unaffected.

There is another good and very supportive friend, who might be surprised to find himself here. He has both past and present dated many beautiful women, even a mermaid… or so the photos would suggest, and then, there was the Unicorn… lest we speak about that the better it is for all of us. I put it down to his generosity of spirit, I raise a full glass in your direction.

One or two of you have continued to swipe left or right, and, there were the ones that got away, but two metres have now become one, if you measure success that way.

I have appeared on the far side, eyes blinking at the sun… I should be in Ibiza now, celebrating birthdays and the summer solstice.

But reports of vast, past illegal raves are starting to circulate. Near to Stonehenge they have found evidence of previous giant Government infrastructure projects, big spending on a huge scale. It appears to be a tool to stimulate the Neolithic economy during a depression, digging a great big hole and filling it in again. Yet these were never filled in apart from a few of those little silver bottles… Clearly not biodegradable.

I’m sure that life during the Neolithic period wasn’t a bowl of cherries, and if you have ever shared a room with a person on a ‘Paleo Diet’ you’ll know what that’s like. We all need a way to escape.

Let’s hope that Boris’s attempts to stimulate will be more successful in finding the G7spot…

Finally, a note of caution for all those of you who have shopped in Supermarkets over the lockdown… A Japanese checkout worker memorised the credit card details of hundreds of customers, and then used them to fund a lavish lifestyle… He’s a bit late on the scene, I’ve been doing it for years, how do you imagine these newsletters get written…

OK,Ok! You do get something in return!

Copyright © 2020 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved

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