As the sun is finally here we can now all look forward to putting on that new summer wardrobe, what you mean you haven’t bothered, well we have the new Emperor’s New Clothes collection available. It is fashion darhlinks!

I am back, after running here, running there, it’s been fun.  Saturday night as you know I headed for Ibiza and then came back Sunday night to spend the Monday in London with a great friend, before returning to Ibiza for a little Vitamin D.

Breakfast this morning at The Wolseley, really? Jason made a rare visit down from his tower above the restaurant, greeting us with a warm hand and a warm heart, it has been too long and that empty space on your bathroom wall is now filled.

I was with a new companion, a friend of Jason, Marie and myself, we found ourselves discussing the topic of Vitamin D. By all accounts it is what we have all been missing and GP’s are texting their patients telling them to get out in the midday sun, shed as much clothing as possible clothing as possible and exposing themselves to the sun’s rays.

No second invitation needed there then, back in a mo!

I brought the sun back from Ibiza with me?

And no sooner will I mention that, than the heavens will open, and a deluge of biblical proportions will arrive such is my ability to jinx things.

Early morning Tuesday I ran to the deserted beach at S’estanyol from Ibiza, stripped off my running gear and swam in the cool waters for a while before getting dressed and running back. This is the Ibiza I know and love.

So it is with a note of sadness that I will warn you that it has changed and much as I still love the island things are different, a friend was the victim of an attempted robbery in a club, and two others were mugged in Ibiza town, if you are going please be aware that this can happen even there.

Leaving your bag unattended on a beach was always a bit of a gamble. So the other morning leaving my running outfit at the beach whilst I swam in the cool water was a calculated risk. Would someone dare to steal my things and run the risk of being chased by a mad Englishman, wearing what would appear to be a flesh coloured, Lycra  full bodysuit!!!!

Mateo, you’ve been in a similar situation, haven’t you?

Talking of jinxing things, I hold up as an example: Ponte dell’Accedemia in Venice. No sooner had I handcuffed myself to it in a futile gesture to show my undying love for Fifa, sorry Fifi that it required urgent work to strengthen it. The huge number of people crossing this bridge plus the padlocks that adorn its railings bearing the initials of lovers who have pledged their troth to the person opposite them, before hurling the keys into the lagoon, have finally taken their toll.

This work will be sponsored by Luxottica, who will be producing a range of bridge shaped sunglasses to mark the occasion. OK, I made that bit up, and OK, also the bit about my undying love for Fifi, it was always Trixibelle.

But really, my heart belongs to me and only me, I am the man in the mirror.

Well Fifa, hmm.

One of the internet clips that still makes me laugh out loud if the one of Sepp Blatter falling off stage whilst shaking hands at the conclusion of yet another deal. Let’s shake on it, and ooops!

Perhaps this time he may fall a little further, but the fall will be softened by a large number of scrunched up $100 bills.

Chuck may well have seen off any chance I may have of selling another blazer this season.

The Pope, will be blissfully unaware of any of this, he hasn’t watched television since 1990.

So unless he’s got sepia Sepp on speed dial on his “Popemobile”, he’s been unable to get the scores of the Argentinian football league. I think that’s taking avoiding the results of a game a little too far, take note of that Jake.

By all accounts he gets the results via his Swiss Guard, who produce him a series of elaborate tables and charts of the season’s progress, the Pope plays Fantasy Football?

I know the answer to this before I start, but what if the Swiss Guard had a sense of humour? I said I know the answer to that one, but let’s fantasise a little.

Imagine they are feeding the Pope all the wrong results, he’s sat at dinner, head in hands the Swiss Guard stood around giggling because they’ve told him that his favourite team the ‘Saints of San Lorenzo’ have been beaten at  0-5 home by the newly promoted ‘Nuns of Santa Lucia’!

Ring any bells Jake?

Then the joke rumbles on. There is the rumour the Johnny Depp may yet still go to jail over the smuggling of Pistol and Boo, like the Swiss it appears that the Australians have misplaced their sense of humour.

For the Aussies, there is a glimmer of hope, bosses are drawing up lists of suitable clothing for work, you know where this is going…… No onsies, no Ugg boots and no thongs. This is my uniform when I’m not wearing Lycra, until I was told it was impossible to wear Ugg boots and thongs at the same time!

Then at the other end of the scale, Jacob Zuma has a swimming pool at his house paid for from the public purse as it is a source of water for fighting a fire at his palatial house, should lightening ever strike!

Perhaps I could claim that Ronaldo my waxing aficionado is required expense because he makes me run and cycle faster.

Not all great leaders are that lucky and I include myself in that, because we are all diminutive. Spare a thought for poor Francois Hollande. Not only does he look like he’s about to be shot out of a cannon by his latest conquest every time he steps onto his moped, but his bodyguards don’t appear to be Bond. By all accounts, one is an alcoholic, another has psychological problems and a third discharged his weapon in the toilets at the Elysee Palace. Ooh ‘er missus, moi a double entendre?

Anyway they don’t to the go to the shooting range, clearly because they can’t keep their powder dry, and they don’t like working for a female boss, so not adhering to any stereotypes then!

Just to finish off this newsletter, what happens if someone goes into MacDonald’s and asks for a Fleetwood.

 

Copyright © 2015 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

 

Before Sam complains, I am trying to get it out on time, but I am doing almost as much travelling as he is this weekend.

Saturday night Ibiza, Sunday night back to London for lunch with a friend on Monday, Monday night back to Ibiza, Wednesday afternoon back to London….. And so on!

I know I can hear you saying, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And no, I’m not cycling it for Charity, but I may indulge in a little Lycra wearing, then there is the glo-stick waving and just because I can.

I always try and write this on the plane, but it depends whether either the inspiration or the alcohol is in the blood.

Cue photo taken out of the window of a plane.

Previously I have blamed the little green fairy (absinthe), even Vash (a little red number, yes, you’ve see me in a little red number), but this time it was Neil, Eugene, Wim, Magnus, Benji and a Mezcal worm!

In no particular order, as I don’t want you boys fighting over billing again.

Apparently Neil and Wim had lost 5 hours this afternoon to the delights of Mezcal and have been desperately searching the memory banks for clues.

Ibiza now boasts a Mezcalleria, where all life’s troubles can be forgotten and gone forever, and the grub in the bottle bears a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut.

No wonder, Ed (Moribund), Dave (our glistening, illustrious leader) and Grant (holiday schnapps) will be down here this year.

Neil is in possession of a brand new, hand built, carbon fibre S-works bicycle, I was there to deliver the pedals. Pedalling, pedals so to speak.

Surprise, surprise it is matt black, with matt black accessories. Luckily for him, he won’t need to go on the road as he can coast the pavements all the way home without fear of his stealth bike being hit by a car, and if anyone does get remotely close, in the dark he will flash his golden tooth as a sign of danger.

Eugene was thinking about changing the colour of his Range Rover from Matt Olive Green to a Kaleidoscope effect with rotating number plate to confuse the local constabulary.

Magnus who is new to the newsletter adds a slightly different dimension he’s very spiritual, like Neil used to be in the old days, before pigeon rage!

Magnus is discovering an entirely new side to the island. Tomorrow night he is going to an ‘extended’ Gong Session. I can’t wait to find out what that is, even finding out what a ‘standard’ Gong Session is, will do me!

He is also into a new type of shamanism, it blends shamanic beliefs with self-defence and its exponents are known as Shammandos! I’m not making this up…

The port and marina, has had a bit of a facelift, spruced up with palms.

Perseus was worried that his first visit to the island would be marred by the constant road works outside the house where he is staying, breath darling, breath I can inform you that the work is now finished.

However the new design includes several interesting trip hazards, raised lights in the pavement and even the pedestrian crossings which have no markings, but raised edges to hurl anyone who is not a fully functioning human being in front of a speeding vehicle.

None of them appear to conform to any Health and Safety standards I have heard of.

I have seen several “sober” people come a cropper on these design innovations in the time it took me to walk the length of the marina, so heaven knows what will happen once Mezcal and special K are working their magic.

Anyway that’s all for today, more soon, but must fly, no literally must fly I have a plane to catch.

Copyright © 2015 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.