End of July 2015 – Newsletter

So hardly had I got started with the iAdrian project than we’ve had to shelve one of the prototypes and seriously look at the rest of the project going forward.

It’s all well and good starting something like this due to the huge demand of people wanting to come back as me, but when the hardware and the software don’t work hand in glove, we are headed for difficulties.

So we have been in the media spotlight over the last couple of weeks.

I have standards to uphold and when the prototype goes off piste so dramatically, I am seriously thinking about cancelling the whole thing.

I suppose it is really down to the fundamental lack of understanding about how I behave. There is always going to be a black sheep, a bad apple, but at least let’s try and avoid that if at all possible.

So in order to set the record straight I should say that future prototypes will have to look seriously at their conduct and we are going tweak the i8 (all the pies and) chip, or replace it with the new German i9 version.

Artificial intelligence is all well and good, but there has to be a degree of intelligence, self-regulation and self-awareness. A certain standard should be set, and I have set these standards.

So it is not kooool (you can tell I’ve been in Paris!), to think you can replace red Lycra with an orange bra and leather jacket, you are not trying to dress like Wonder Woman!

Eiffel Tower

Eiffel Tower

It is also not cool and more of a cliché to spill your ‘Sherbet Dib-Dab’ on a young ladies chest. As for paying for things, cheques are soooo passé and contactless payment seemed entirely inappropriate for this kind of transaction, so dear Lord for heaven’s sake pay with cash, it’s what rolled up notes are for!

I do not condone any of this behaviour and all future models of iAdrian will be fitted with a remote cut off switch, whereby any behaviour which I do not deem commensurate with the image of the brand will result in the immediate suspension of the account and prototype, any subsequent transgression; in termination.

At that point I will take your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle!

The whole premise of the iAdrian project was to produce a ‘Replicant’ of me that was more Harrison Ford, and less Mr Bean.

It will be fitted with a gyroscopic sensor that determines the nature of the Replicant’s movement and a failsafe device that will ensure that the iAdrian does not fail at any crucial point, also a proximity sensor to make sure no-one else is around to avoid embarrassment when anything does break!

Paris

Once again I have been travelling….

Chez Moi?

Chez Moi?

Yesterday I was sipping Pastis in Montmatre after a fact finding tour to see if I could add a Jazz appreciation app as part of the package.

If you appreciate jazz, this link is my friend Pat’s sister. Lovely girl, incredible voice, super talented, Sara will go far. Maybe with a little help from our friends!

https://soundcloud.com/sara-dowling/sets/from-shadows-into-light-album-sampler/s-pQZeC

and wine tasting?

and wine tasting?

So I wandered the streets of Paris in the small hours wearing my special beret, glass of absinthe in hand, following a little green faerie. On and on I walked, down narrow side streets until through the gloom I noticed a lantern above a door, a man with eyes like Marty Feldman stepped out of the shadows.

“Niccccceeee to see you both”, he said, and he ushered me into the labyrinth.

Down and down I descended into these caves beneath the Seine following this strange music, hypnotised, or just led by a bottle when suddenly I entered a dimly lit room, full of strange characters, a couple were dancing and a band were playing in a corner. This strange music called Jazz was trying to seduce me, was I undergoing some kind Daliesque transformation, the couple dancing were cutting some strange shapes, and I realised, I really had drunk too much absinthe.

They were Smokin' as you can see by the proximity of the fire extinguisher to the drummer

They were Smokin’ as you can see by the proximity of the fire extinguisher to the drummer.

Slowly I floated to the surface to find myself lying on the beach at the side of the Seine, but what I realised was that it wasn’t all a surrealistic dream, or was it?

Had I now entered some sort of nightmare world? Is this how the French make a silk purse out of a Sow’s Ear, or at least the rest of the frog when you’ve taken his legs?

Frog minus Legs.

Frog minus Legs.

Despite the debacle over the iAdrian, I have begun to realise that I have become bestowed with super-powers. Beyond not suffering from hangovers, I am now able to walk through steel and glass.

I admit this has had less than 100% success rate. It has resulted in what some people have seen as bizarre and amusing incidents as I hone my powers, but I am starting to understand my limits and test them.

I have been most successful on the newest of tube trains, where I appear to be able to walk the entire length of the train unimpeded; also with doors when they are already open.

I still struggle with the older model of tube and closed doors which does result in me constantly banging my face against the glass like a persistent zombie, but I will succeed, and I have found that pushing, pulling, or even turning the handle on the door will allow me access through to Narnia.

Goodness the absinthe really has stayed with me this time!

Some of you have been asking me why I am not already in Ibiza. I am!

I sent out an updated prototype. We are still working on it, but one night at Amnesia and its memory was wiped… This aside the images being sent back show that it is having fun, in fact so much fun that I may have to go out and make some adjustments, this is likely to become a regular occurrence.

On or two people are a little worried that their faux pas will make it onto these pages, but I promise to keep your identity secret until, well what can I say, until you become famous?

I shall leave with some images of Paris at sunset. It took me a while, but eventually I was able to Photoshop out most of the graffiti!

New stock is already with us, plus a top-up of some summer fun. Photos will follow.

Ten reasons to visit Paris:

1: Jazz?

2: Absinthe

3: Caves

4: Inseinity

5: ……..

La Conciergerie

La Conciergerie

La Seine

La Seine

 

 

Copyright © 2015 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

Summer has ended Newsletter 2014

Happy Birthday Sam, and Tony.

So once again I get a slew of “Out of Office” replies… Sven it appears is never in his office.

No, not Nancy’s Sven, another Sven. I’d forgotten all about that Sven. He’s now managing Guangzhou R&F in China, I had to look that up on Wikipedia. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, anyway I’m away on holiday, am I bothered?

It seems that this newsletter is a kind of 50 Shades of Grey thing. Clearly there are more shades of Grey than that, he just wasn’t using his imagination, just ask John Major. More peas Norma? Bet that’s not in there. Our Emi has given up reading it on the tube, because….. Because everyone was staring at her, and as far as she was concerned it had nothing to her gorgeousness. A customer’s words, not mine I hasten to add.

The newsletter is helping a relatively newly married couple spice up their bedroom activities because they have admitted to reading this together in bed before….ahem! Well who’d of thought it? I didn’t think it was that racy, it appears all the talk of Lycra and mink saddles has got some amongst you getting a little frisky.

Talking of the mink saddle; it has gone; as anticipated to a private collection in Japan. It will go into a glass case alongside such rare items as a pair of worn Britney Spears panties and a photo of Madonna with her clothes on.

I know it’s been cold and wet at home, but I’ve been sunning myself in Ibiza and training for my next challenge in the vain hope that I will remain drier than I had been on the bike ride. That being said, perhaps I shall don a deep sea diver’s suit, lead weights and all; and to make it easier I shall carry Adam on my shoulders dressed as Goldilocks.

I will reveal all very soon. OK, at about 10.30am when I get to the beach. Eeeeewwwwww!

Why, Oh why is it that the people who will insist on sunbathing in the altogether are the ones who should be the ones who should holiday in a tent, and wear it!

This trip to the island has been much more relaxed, Eugene has been away at Burning Man, which has done its best to impersonate Glastonbury and offer a deluge of epic proportions followed by naked mudwrestling. Apparently he has bought himself a scooter to get himself around. I thought that he would have had a gyrocopter, or more appropriately a jet ski, but he likes to keep his feet on terra-firma. Oh, really!

Neil has been on good form, ably assisted in the studio this summer by Tai, Jonny, Rudi and Wesley Thomas. He even managed to seem relaxed a certain points. There was a tricky moment at dinner one evening. We were at the dessert stage as Sergio was out walking the dogs. As he wandered past, Neil scooped up the aptly named “Bon-Bon”, I have captured the moment where Neil went to swallow him whole, sadly Bon-Bon was not best pleased; clearly suffering from little dog syndrome.

Bon Bon Snack

Bon Bon Snack

The first few days were spent in the company of a bevy of lovely young ladies.

Me and 4 girls alone on a boat with my reputation?

They were here to party hard. A little VIP with David Guetta at Pasha, Ushuaia, Glitterbox at Boom, Space, Blue Marlin and finally a little Amnesia, which is probably what was needed. And OK, perhaps I shared the best part of a bottle of Vodka with myself, whilst talking to Oleg next to me who by all accounts is a worse dancer than I am.

Pasha VIP

Pasha VIP

Bevy

Bevy

The boat was thanks to another Neil, this time at BoatsIbiza. We spent the day with Phil and Tracy aboard their Sunseeker. A little trip round Es Vedra, a couple of bays, lunch at a beach restaurant, finishing with a Sunset in the bay in front of Café del Mar. I cannot recommend them highly enough, it was a day to remember.

http://www.boatsibiza.com

Neil has offered a 5% discount to anyone contacting him and mentioning our recommendation.

Our Funseeker

Our Funseeker

Swimming at Es Vedra

Swimming at Es Vedra

Magical Es Vedra

Magical Es Vedra

Cafe del Mar Sunset

Cafe del Mar Sunset

 

I’m not the only one who has been away.

Perseus has a new job and hence is on “gardening leave”. Apparently Emi wants this, but without changing jobs. By all accounts Perseus is counting windmills on Mykonos, or something like that. The things people do that pass for fun! He will no doubt return, his legs as white as snow. The rest of him will have changed colour, marginally. He’ll bitch about everything, but that’s his way and I love him for it; I think if he were a cocktail, he’d be “Caustic Soda”. In his words, he’s so “Beefcake”, a walking barbecue flavoured tortilla chip.

The football season has started again. Millions have been spent, and has it changed anything? The lottery of who will get Luis “Gummy Bear” Suarez has been answered. To cap it all, he’ll be filling a hole in the middle, bridging the gap to attack, and probably scoring a brace.

Poor little Wayne has had more responsibility heaped upon those already hunched shoulders, running round like a Chinese crested dog, steam coming out of his ears. Apparently he thought by becoming captain he would get a uniform and a cap with badges on it. Super Mario is back, and has intimated that he wants me to make all his clothes for him. No, no, no. This is a man who can’t put a training bib on, and fails miserably time after time to get his hat on the right way round.

I already have a very mad, high maintenance customer who phones me from all over the world in order that I tell him what to wear, this was topped off recently, by having to explain to him what going “commando” meant. He didn’t get it first or second time, and I certainly wasn’t going to demonstrate via Skype.

So with Mario I don’t even want to do something as complicated as buttons.

Shortly we will be inundated with new stock, but until that point you will have to read about all of my exploits as I travel far and wide in search of the next legal high. There are a few of you who have attempted to tempt me with something a little less straight laced, but I will always refuse, unless it has an alcohol base.

Mr Portillo has a new series coming up. I’m sworn to secrecy, but apparently that’s the gist of it. It will be coming to a small screen near you very soon.

And of course soon I’ll have my new iphone XXVI. However I will sign of this newsletter with a last Sunset from Iibza.

Another Ibiza Sunset

Another Ibiza Sunset

Sent from my iphone XXV

Copyright © 2014 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

March 2013 – Volpe Newsletter

March Newsletter 2013

Let’s get the weather out of the way first. It has been very, very cold and very, very grey and I know we are all fed up with it. Those of you who have managed to get away will mean once again I am deluged with “Out of Office” replies.

However have you thought that the minute the sun bursts forth, the too tight t-shirt, Birkenstocks, shorts and hairy leg brigade will be out in force? Not in such a hurry for the first shafts of sunlight now methinks.

OK, so I’m getting this one out a little early, but I’m off to Ibiza, and given the state I might be in, it might make even less sense than normal. Is that an incredible Burt Wonderstone mushroom I see before me? Quick call the police. On second thoughts no, the first two albums were OK, but then Stu started chucking drumsticks. Good shot! I will never play their music in the shop again. Well apart from Peanuts, but I have my reasons.

For those of you who read and remember my newsletters, my ‘D’ list celebrity friend is now a street artist on the island. There is a little patch of concrete by the marina where he plies his trade. He will be painted aubergine it’s this summer’s hot colour! He just lies there prone like a strange shaped vegetable, either that or he fell asleep and people started dropping coins onto his pile of clothes. He was trying to fashion one of those ‘fakir’ poses whereby he looked suspended in mid-air, but then the stick broke! Gone are the days of Panto, glitter and glamour.

Remember, I have no ‘A’ or ‘B’ list celebrity friends or customers, but we did have someone wear one our suits in “Skyfall”. It was only confirmed recently so I didn’t want to tempt fate.

To some it may seem I am a little too loose tongued in my newsletters, but I choose my topics carefully. I have a huge ego, so it’s all about me as you know too well, and now I have started a book about my colourful life. I shall not be inviting Wazzer Rooney to ghost write it.

Ibiza you ask. Well, I gave in, I was going to leave this trip until the end of May, but given the weather here, I couldn’t delay it any longer. It is for work! We are tattooing leather for a couple of clients, so I’m going to drop some off and pick some up, and do a fitting for a suit. Neil is carving skulls, plus clouds, some lotus flowers, perhaps even a butterfly into the shoes of the good and the great.

CWF 1

Charlie will be so pleased to get his shoes back, that’s such an Ibiza name isn’t it? Photos will be available on the blog, and on Facebook, for those of you who are allowed accounts.

I may add to my collection, but the customer always comes first. In my case it will not be shoes, it will be tattoos of the flesh. Neil thinks my latest design is a little effeminate, not the word he used, but I think this way is a little more polite. I’ll run it past Eugene he’s driven down from Copenhagen to spend a few days. There is a bar in the marina where a drink is named after him, and after my last visit when we were all together in September, I have absolutely no idea what it was called, or maybe I just can’t remember! If I call you at 5am to wake you, just ignore me.

One thing I can guarantee is that we won’t be sleeping a lot, but will I don the mankini? I think it will be Pacha, Amnesia, Pacha, Amnesia, Pacha, Amnesia. Sorry where was I? Then I won’t be able to pass up a foam party, and head off delirious to DC10 where I shall jump up and down trying to grab the undercarriage of incoming planes. You know I’m high on life.

Stop press…. Mateo can’t make it he will be spending Easter with the lovely Cristina, so the mankini will be mine! But, Martin from Argentina will be there, now the wheels will certainly come off. I have photos of him snorkelling in the snow in Verbier, wearing nothing more than a smile. At least that’s what it seemed like, but it was hard to tell it was so cold and he was face down. As a very good friend of mine would say “Bere”, it’s a great shame that on this occasion she won’t be joining us, hopefully next time.

I’ll be back Tuesday night, with Ryanair!!!!!!  I know, never say never. It was the only way I could get back to meet some friends who are coming from Italy for a month to learn English, but I will not be teaching them, I shall leave that to a professional.

With regard to last month, some of you were a little confused about the 24 not 22 comment, and one or two of you gave some quite surprising suggestions. Let me lay rumours to rest. The 24 bus takes me from home to Vash and back again, and the 22 goes past The Wolseley, I use the 24 not the 22. Thank you for the flattering remarks.

I supply the newsletter in printed form, in a plain brown envelope to one particular lady (she views me as her toy boy, she is after all hmmmm years old), because she says, and I quote “she finds them a little racy”. Once read they are shredded so hubby doesn’t see them. Well hush my mouth I didn’t think I was being that particular shade of grey. Let’s just hope she can cope with the book I’ve just given her as a present.

And finally and this is not a joke. We are now offering a new service we are hand washing and finishing your knitwear, so you can store all your cashmere and merino wool for the summer months, when they finally arrive. There will be a small charge, but I know that many of you are a little worried by the prospect of looking after your cashmere, so I thought this might help you.

To err is human to forgive is? Well sometimes forgiveness is deserved, sometimes earned, but should be given with an open heart. Gandhi said that the weak can never forgive; forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

Photographs of the trip will follow upon my return!

Copyright © 2013 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

September 2012 – Volpe Newsletter

What a busy month you have all had. It looks like things are back to normal.

My friend Mark had a birthday. The party, or should I say ensuing bender lasted for several days, and only ended when he remembered he should be working. However sleep deprivation has sharpened his reflexes, and on his way to work, he only fell out of the taxi rather than falling in. He is still not welcomed by British Airways.

Talking of birthdays, Sam had one and Jake is having his. If you are reading this on Sunday the 30th, then big up for Jake as he is 30 today, try not to choke on the Frosties. As an early adopter he has his hands on the new iPhone 5. However he is concerned about the size of his sim. Jake just how old are you? Oh yes, I forgot 30.

I shan’t mention the football to him, it’s not going well, but the way they are going, he’ll be playing for them next season, and then I really won’t get any work out of him on a Saturday afternoon.

This week I spent a day in Ibiza.  To cut a long story short…. No let’s not, I have a newsletter to fill, and I had an insistent customer who is desperate to have his shoes tattooed (his name is Charlie, how Ibiza is that?). As I had something I needed to do with Neil, and also to fit a customer for a couple of suits, I took the opportunity. The suits will be particularly sparkly, just the things for spinning the discs at Pacha or Amnesia. Now where was I, I’d forgotten.

Neil’s Leg

And then there was of course Neil’s special cargo, his skulls. I found these while I was poking around a flea market in Florence. His studio is full of strange objects stripped back to bare bones: monkeys, cats and lots and lots of skulls. I always expect to see him sitting in a corner running a gnarled nail over an old skull grinning manically into the middle distance. But then that’s his normal demeanour. Oh stop it Neil you’re freaking me out! His favourite piece of this delivery was an eagle skull which I am sure he will put to good use scaring off the pigeons.

I left London on Monday night with Easyjet and arrived at 1am. Neil and I went out for a drink and we didn’t arrive home until 6am. I can still do Ibeefa with the best of them. The night was been spent in the company of a man called Eugene and a couple of others, who were there for 5 days and had no intention of sleeping. However as I was breakfasting with Neil at 11am, Eugene appeared looking rather lost, not sure where the other two had got to, saying he wasn’t feeling so good, and about as pale as Michael’s cadaverous feet. It was taking its toll.

When I returned to Neil’s studio I met a very good customer of mine, who was with Neil for a marathon tattoo session, 6 tattoos in 7 hours. Oh, how I felt his pain.

I returned to the UK at 5am the following morning, after another Easyjet delay. No beach, no clubs and who says my life is fun…..

As I have mentioned my friend Michael, I should remind you of his trip to Naples and his adventures with male fragrance (see previous editions of these epic meanderings). His current “fave” is by Tom Ford, and called “Auld Wood”. Is someone having a laugh? Obviously not Michael, who hates the thought that he might be considered to be or to have old wood, but I know his bark is worse than his bite.

Well the joke wasn’t that bad!

The wedding of the year took place last week, and I was invited. A very beautiful, simple and elegant affair, but then the men were all dressed by me. Yes, you got it, forget the bride, it’s all about me, me, me. But she did look stunning.

Then on Sunday, the groom took his new wife on one of the most clement days this year, to White Hart Lane, to see the mighty Spurs defeat QPR. Yes, I know, I was slightly puzzled as to why? However he is a fanatic, and the wife, she will have to get used to it. Perhaps if she doesn’t enjoy it, she could buy the club, because she can, appoint AVB, and just wait for it all to implode. What do you mean that’s already happened? Now I’m not a Spur’s supporter and in fact I don’t support anyone (apart from Jake after yet another defeat), but I rather enjoyed the whole experience. My highlight was to have my photo taken with a couple of former Spurs players, Martin Peters and Pat Jennings. Now if only I was old enough to remember them. I was wondering if they had doubles that do the same thing at Arsenal and West Ham.

Martin Peters and Pat Jennings

If so could I get one to replace me, whilst I sail around the world.

Talking of which, Jason is headed for San Francisco, for yet another holiday. Does he ever work? I hear you all ask. Sorry Jason, have you been away?

Recently I have struck up a friendship with a chap. He is doing what can only be described as a “deal”. I can’t say what it is, but it’s legit’, although he and the other characters involved are doing their best to make it appear, otherwise. Clandestine meetings at Claridges or the Hotel Metropole in Monaco, lots of very large gentleman in tight suits, who don’t look like they are just there for show. Who might know how to dangle you out of a hotel window to see the colour of your money as it floats gently in the breeze towards the hotel pool. It’s beginning to resemble a Guy Ritchie movie, and my friend, who is also a well-built chap, is now known as “Danish”. It’s all in the name after all we had the character “Turkish” in Snatch.

Following last month’s newsletter, my friend phoned me from Tanzania to explain his spear was really quite impressive, and as I started to discuss this with him, he cut the conversation short, explaining this call was costing him 7 pounds a minute…. I thought he was a man of substance. His words are as shallow as his pockets…

That’ll have him back on the phone for impugning his credentials.

 

Copyright © 2012 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.