The Donald

Oh goodness, I’ve broken cover.

Everybody is headed for the Canadian Border, and even the Canadian Immigration website crashed when all the Americans realised Nigel Farage Donald had won.

The ‘Perfect Storm’ is brewing

First Brexit and then The Donald, the wind of change is blowing a gale and the only thing not moving is Donald’s quiff.

Apparently Francois Hollande is impeach, I thought Michael Portillo and I were the only people who wore that colour!

Monsieur Hollande should take a tip from Donald’s coiffeur, as it probably costs a great deal of money to arrange this particular topiary, something little Frankie is not shy of, at least Donald looks like he gets value for money. Frankie’s hairdresser has to deal with his helmet hair, where as the Donald’s had a helmet made to minimise the effect!

You just know that his head will appear on a dollar bill one day. Perhaps the billion dollar note, which he will be unable to use because no one will be able, or want to give him change.

Much like the €500 note.

The Helmet

The Helmet

Donald is now familiarising himself with the White House.

Where best to have the photos for Hola taken, perhaps add a condo, or a golf course and resort.

But apparently he is having problems accessing one or two areas. Some of the doors are locked and he is being shadowed by someone from the FBI telling him there is nothing to see behind them!

They’ve even removed anything with buttons on, including the remote controls and microwaves just in case he gets the midnight munchies, or needs to go for a Wikileak and it ends in Armaggedon, rather than a Pot Noodle. Just when Hillary thought she had first dibs on Jon Bon Jovi, you wouldn’t want to miss a thing!

I’ve heard that he may be given one of those telephones with the big keys, but it’ won’t be wired up, as Vlad the Lad will be listening in.

He’s got that sulky look on his face that he gets when he’s done something to upset Ivana and she is reading the riot act, and Hugh Hefner (is he still with us?) is off the Christmas Card list, even at 90 he’s been staying up all night!

Wandering in the hallways of the White House, Donald is suddenly confronted by a faun, and the faun beckons him into one of the many bedrooms. Donald thinks finally the magic will happen and he will understand the inner machinations and workings that go on behind those locked doors.

The faun opens a wardrobe door and ushers Donald through, his tiny hands pushing away Melania’s fur coats, on and on the two of them wander until Donald feels his feet starting to get wet and suddenly the path drops steeply away, and Donald is falling; faster and faster, then there is daylight and Donald is catapulted through the air landing with a huge splash in a giant swimming pool to huge cheers.

When he surfaces, next to him in the pool are Hugh Hefner and Snoop Dog, leading the cheering crowd is Hillary dressed as the white witch and directing a Mexican wave!

Hillary and the crowd shout in Unison, “Welcome to our all inclusive resort!”

In the real world the person that appears to be Donald is softening his stance, keeping Obamacare and talking not about building stonewalls, but fences he can sit on.

Have you noticed how his hair is parted on the other side, and do his hands do seem slightly larger?

Make mine a double!

Copyright © 2016 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

Sad News

I was saddened by the news that Christopher Lee had died.

I have worked in the retail industry a very long time. In fact I started aged 15 at Butlins in Minehead where I grew up selling “Kiss me Quick” hats and printed t-shirts. It may appear that things haven’t moved on that much.

Later I joined a retail management training scheme at Harrods, and Christopher Lee, was the second celebrity I met, the first was Egon Ronay, both opposite ends of life’s rich tapestry in many respects.

I literally bumped into Christopher Lee on my way back from lunch one day.

Rushing upstairs to get back to my department I was head down, on a mission and not looking where I was going, when I caught him in the midriff with my head. I looked up apologetically only to see Dracula looking down on me. Imagine my terror, was I really that late back from lunch, would the mere contact with him make me one of the undead?

Having grown up with him as the Count, I must have looked terrified, I was mortified, and apologised profusely. He looked down at me and said “Are you hurt? There really is no terrible need to rush, it doesn’t save anything.” Even today I remember the calming tone, and the softness in his voice, I still hear that every time I hear him speak, and yet I scurried off still apologising.

By all rights I should be lying by a pool in Grasse this weekend with a Michelin starred chef preparing my every meal, quaffing a delightfully chilled rose from Bandol. A very big thank you for the offer btw (by the way).LOL!!!!!

However after being away the last couple of weekends and back to Ibiza next for a big birthday bash, there are people who are starting to ridicule me for my apparent ‘jetset’ lifestyle. Sadly I had to kick this trip into the long grass.

I was mocked in the gym this morning by a friend who suggested that I must be claiming benefits, because I clearly don’t work. Ouch!

Now there’s a thought!

He did admit that if he was re-incarnated, he would like to come back as me, too late my friend, I’ve grabbed that slot!

Look, would you rather read the ramblings of a couch potato?

Following the Fifi fiasco, and the scandal surrounding the voting and bidding for the 2018 and 2022 World Cup, the former of which Wikipedia describes as follows:

“The 2018 FIFA World Cup will be the 21st FIFA World Cup an international men’s football tournament, that is currently scheduled to take place between 14 June and 15 July 2018 in Russia”.

Currently scheduled?

So we left it to the Italians to get the better of Vladimir Putin, I love this photo courtesy of Corriere della Sera.

I think Vlad the Impaler may have now “dealt” with guy in the background who is clearly laughing at his expense, but too late the photo is already out there.

And Renzi is only safe because Italy buys so much of Russia’s oil and gas.

Putin

 Copyright © 2015 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

February Newsletter 2015

February is a short month, but I’ve been getting it out a lot. I think this is the third time, lucky you.

I was in Rome, Bologna and Florence at the beginning of the week.

Once again I must raise a glass and an empty plate to those who watered and fed me. Simone, Stefania, Edy and Emanuele thank you all.

Emanuele thought we’d found a symbol on the tablecloth of the infamous crime organisation SCHMEER (The Secret Company of Huge Male Egos, Eccentrics and Rogues), but it was in fact a wine spill that looked like a scorpion.

SCHMEER

SCHMEER

However I was in Rome on a top secret mission, well not so top secret now. They are shooting the new Bond movie along the banks of the Tiber outside Max’s office. Why was I there you might ask?

Well as you ask, as Monica Bellucci’s stunt double. I’d hoped it would get me closer to her, but it only involved me wandering round in a slinky dress and wig trying to look alluring before I was arrested, then told to take my business elsewhere. By all accounts from behind we could be twins, that’s if she walked like Dick Emery.

Phoaaarrr!

Phoaaarrr!

These mild mannered trucks contain Bond's Aston Martin and the villian's Jaguar

These mild mannered trucks contain Bond’s Aston Martin and the villain’s Jaguar.

I will be back there to shoot more scenes very soon, as soon as the restraining order that Monica has against me expires. Oooooh “Restraining Order”, that’s so 50 Shades…….

Talking of “That’s So!” I have been deeply disturbed by the Money Supermarket advert of the twerking man in denim shorts. My dear Sir, have you not heard of Spanx?

However it was made infinitesimally worse by having DC’s head transposed onto the video. I’m now waking up nights from a nightmare imagining all sorts of people twerking at the end of my bed in denim shorts. No of course it’s not what’s really happening. There is a list of miscreants at the end of the Newsletter!

DC.........

DC………

One of the items that the statistics offer me regarding these newsletters is the most popular searches and where the website has been opened from. No, not the exact address, but it allows me to see in which country on this planet it has been opened. So Sam, I have no idea if you are opening it on your way to Mars or just circumnavigating the globe.

Last week, imagine my surprise when one of the most popular searches for my newsletter, was “Bulging Tight Speedos”!!!

Well I wasn’t really surprised given my propensity for wearing Lycra. However at no point have I ever posted a photo of me in Speedos, not even in that Superman way of wearing his pants outside his trousers or undressing in a phone box.

However, closely related to the Speedo issue, a friend has been telling me because he wears designer stubble most of the time that he is starting to wear through the collars on his shirts fairly rapidly, but there is also a rather alarming side effect to this stubble beyond his problems with the collar.

Whilst swimming front crawl in his tight Speedos the stubble is giving him a nasty rash, on his shoulder, I hasten to add. Better that than a carpet burn on his chin. You know who you are, and in both cases, how it happened!

A friend, whose real name is not Natasha has moved back here from Germany to work once again for a friend of mine who is also not called Sergei. At this point I’ve lost track of where I am and who I am talking about, but I will bravely carry the story forward.

Oh yes, I remember! She shares a house with several gay men, goes to the gym and the sauna with the same said men who delight in pointing out the buff, semi-naked men around her are all of the same proclivity.

She has likened this to be being as frustrated as a kid in a candy shop with diabetes. Must be the German sense of humour!

But she has helped to solve the riddle about the whole beard thing, heavens I’m so stupid it’s all that hair around a pout, it’s so 70’s. Men move forward, try a Brazilian, a Hollywood, even a bit of glitter.

Finally before that list of people wearing denim.

A client from Texas has been telling me about their “Open Carry” Law. By that I thought that particularly ugly babies had to be wheeled round in closed top buggies. Apparently that’s not very nice and also incorrect. Well excuse me!

It pertains to the open carrying of weapons in public. He had been asking me if I could make him a walking cane with a thermal nuclear warhead in the tip. The handle is to house a trained Curare frog, which can fire darts made from its own poison, less of a killing machine and more of a personal statement.

Cute, but lethal

Cute, but lethal

By all accounts gun crime there is on the way down, but it would be when everyone is walking round with a Sherman Tank on a lead!

Now for that list:

At number 1: Dave and Gideon (George, to you commoners)

2: Dear Silvio

3: Vladimir P

4: Donatella Versace

5: Madonna – If she could stay on her feet.

6: Robbie Williams

7: Francois Hollande and now I’m feeling ill, so I’m going to draw a line under this…….

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Copyright © 2015 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.