So hardly had I got started with the iAdrian project than we’ve had to shelve one of the prototypes and seriously look at the rest of the project going forward.
It’s all well and good starting something like this due to the huge demand of people wanting to come back as me, but when the hardware and the software don’t work hand in glove, we are headed for difficulties.
So we have been in the media spotlight over the last couple of weeks.
I have standards to uphold and when the prototype goes off piste so dramatically, I am seriously thinking about cancelling the whole thing.
I suppose it is really down to the fundamental lack of understanding about how I behave. There is always going to be a black sheep, a bad apple, but at least let’s try and avoid that if at all possible.
So in order to set the record straight I should say that future prototypes will have to look seriously at their conduct and we are going tweak the i8 (all the pies and) chip, or replace it with the new German i9 version.
Artificial intelligence is all well and good, but there has to be a degree of intelligence, self-regulation and self-awareness. A certain standard should be set, and I have set these standards.
So it is not kooool (you can tell I’ve been in Paris!), to think you can replace red Lycra with an orange bra and leather jacket, you are not trying to dress like Wonder Woman!
It is also not cool and more of a cliché to spill your ‘Sherbet Dib-Dab’ on a young ladies chest. As for paying for things, cheques are soooo passé and contactless payment seemed entirely inappropriate for this kind of transaction, so dear Lord for heaven’s sake pay with cash, it’s what rolled up notes are for!
I do not condone any of this behaviour and all future models of iAdrian will be fitted with a remote cut off switch, whereby any behaviour which I do not deem commensurate with the image of the brand will result in the immediate suspension of the account and prototype, any subsequent transgression; in termination.
At that point I will take your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle!
The whole premise of the iAdrian project was to produce a ‘Replicant’ of me that was more Harrison Ford, and less Mr Bean.
It will be fitted with a gyroscopic sensor that determines the nature of the Replicant’s movement and a failsafe device that will ensure that the iAdrian does not fail at any crucial point, also a proximity sensor to make sure no-one else is around to avoid embarrassment when anything does break!
Once again I have been travelling….
Yesterday I was sipping Pastis in Montmatre after a fact finding tour to see if I could add a Jazz appreciation app as part of the package.
If you appreciate jazz, this link is my friend Pat’s sister. Lovely girl, incredible voice, super talented, Sara will go far. Maybe with a little help from our friends!
So I wandered the streets of Paris in the small hours wearing my special beret, glass of absinthe in hand, following a little green faerie. On and on I walked, down narrow side streets until through the gloom I noticed a lantern above a door, a man with eyes like Marty Feldman stepped out of the shadows.
“Niccccceeee to see you both”, he said, and he ushered me into the labyrinth.
Down and down I descended into these caves beneath the Seine following this strange music, hypnotised, or just led by a bottle when suddenly I entered a dimly lit room, full of strange characters, a couple were dancing and a band were playing in a corner. This strange music called Jazz was trying to seduce me, was I undergoing some kind Daliesque transformation, the couple dancing were cutting some strange shapes, and I realised, I really had drunk too much absinthe.
Slowly I floated to the surface to find myself lying on the beach at the side of the Seine, but what I realised was that it wasn’t all a surrealistic dream, or was it?
Had I now entered some sort of nightmare world? Is this how the French make a silk purse out of a Sow’s Ear, or at least the rest of the frog when you’ve taken his legs?
Despite the debacle over the iAdrian, I have begun to realise that I have become bestowed with super-powers. Beyond not suffering from hangovers, I am now able to walk through steel and glass.
I admit this has had less than 100% success rate. It has resulted in what some people have seen as bizarre and amusing incidents as I hone my powers, but I am starting to understand my limits and test them.
I have been most successful on the newest of tube trains, where I appear to be able to walk the entire length of the train unimpeded; also with doors when they are already open.
I still struggle with the older model of tube and closed doors which does result in me constantly banging my face against the glass like a persistent zombie, but I will succeed, and I have found that pushing, pulling, or even turning the handle on the door will allow me access through to Narnia.
Goodness the absinthe really has stayed with me this time!
Some of you have been asking me why I am not already in Ibiza. I am!
I sent out an updated prototype. We are still working on it, but one night at Amnesia and its memory was wiped… This aside the images being sent back show that it is having fun, in fact so much fun that I may have to go out and make some adjustments, this is likely to become a regular occurrence.
On or two people are a little worried that their faux pas will make it onto these pages, but I promise to keep your identity secret until, well what can I say, until you become famous?
I shall leave with some images of Paris at sunset. It took me a while, but eventually I was able to Photoshop out most of the graffiti!
New stock is already with us, plus a top-up of some summer fun. Photos will follow.
Ten reasons to visit Paris:
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