Happy Birthday Sam, and Tony.
So once again I get a slew of “Out of Office” replies… Sven it appears is never in his office.
No, not Nancy’s Sven, another Sven. I’d forgotten all about that Sven. He’s now managing Guangzhou R&F in China, I had to look that up on Wikipedia. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, anyway I’m away on holiday, am I bothered?
It seems that this newsletter is a kind of 50 Shades of Grey thing. Clearly there are more shades of Grey than that, he just wasn’t using his imagination, just ask John Major. More peas Norma? Bet that’s not in there. Our Emi has given up reading it on the tube, because….. Because everyone was staring at her, and as far as she was concerned it had nothing to her gorgeousness. A customer’s words, not mine I hasten to add.
The newsletter is helping a relatively newly married couple spice up their bedroom activities because they have admitted to reading this together in bed before….ahem! Well who’d of thought it? I didn’t think it was that racy, it appears all the talk of Lycra and mink saddles has got some amongst you getting a little frisky.
Talking of the mink saddle; it has gone; as anticipated to a private collection in Japan. It will go into a glass case alongside such rare items as a pair of worn Britney Spears panties and a photo of Madonna with her clothes on.
I know it’s been cold and wet at home, but I’ve been sunning myself in Ibiza and training for my next challenge in the vain hope that I will remain drier than I had been on the bike ride. That being said, perhaps I shall don a deep sea diver’s suit, lead weights and all; and to make it easier I shall carry Adam on my shoulders dressed as Goldilocks.
I will reveal all very soon. OK, at about 10.30am when I get to the beach. Eeeeewwwwww!
Why, Oh why is it that the people who will insist on sunbathing in the altogether are the ones who should be the ones who should holiday in a tent, and wear it!
This trip to the island has been much more relaxed, Eugene has been away at Burning Man, which has done its best to impersonate Glastonbury and offer a deluge of epic proportions followed by naked mudwrestling. Apparently he has bought himself a scooter to get himself around. I thought that he would have had a gyrocopter, or more appropriately a jet ski, but he likes to keep his feet on terra-firma. Oh, really!
Neil has been on good form, ably assisted in the studio this summer by Tai, Jonny, Rudi and Wesley Thomas. He even managed to seem relaxed a certain points. There was a tricky moment at dinner one evening. We were at the dessert stage as Sergio was out walking the dogs. As he wandered past, Neil scooped up the aptly named “Bon-Bon”, I have captured the moment where Neil went to swallow him whole, sadly Bon-Bon was not best pleased; clearly suffering from little dog syndrome.
The first few days were spent in the company of a bevy of lovely young ladies.
Me and 4 girls alone on a boat with my reputation?
They were here to party hard. A little VIP with David Guetta at Pasha, Ushuaia, Glitterbox at Boom, Space, Blue Marlin and finally a little Amnesia, which is probably what was needed. And OK, perhaps I shared the best part of a bottle of Vodka with myself, whilst talking to Oleg next to me who by all accounts is a worse dancer than I am.
The boat was thanks to another Neil, this time at BoatsIbiza. We spent the day with Phil and Tracy aboard their Sunseeker. A little trip round Es Vedra, a couple of bays, lunch at a beach restaurant, finishing with a Sunset in the bay in front of Café del Mar. I cannot recommend them highly enough, it was a day to remember.
Neil has offered a 5% discount to anyone contacting him and mentioning our recommendation.
I’m not the only one who has been away.
Perseus has a new job and hence is on “gardening leave”. Apparently Emi wants this, but without changing jobs. By all accounts Perseus is counting windmills on Mykonos, or something like that. The things people do that pass for fun! He will no doubt return, his legs as white as snow. The rest of him will have changed colour, marginally. He’ll bitch about everything, but that’s his way and I love him for it; I think if he were a cocktail, he’d be “Caustic Soda”. In his words, he’s so “Beefcake”, a walking barbecue flavoured tortilla chip.
The football season has started again. Millions have been spent, and has it changed anything? The lottery of who will get Luis “Gummy Bear” Suarez has been answered. To cap it all, he’ll be filling a hole in the middle, bridging the gap to attack, and probably scoring a brace.
Poor little Wayne has had more responsibility heaped upon those already hunched shoulders, running round like a Chinese crested dog, steam coming out of his ears. Apparently he thought by becoming captain he would get a uniform and a cap with badges on it. Super Mario is back, and has intimated that he wants me to make all his clothes for him. No, no, no. This is a man who can’t put a training bib on, and fails miserably time after time to get his hat on the right way round.
I already have a very mad, high maintenance customer who phones me from all over the world in order that I tell him what to wear, this was topped off recently, by having to explain to him what going “commando” meant. He didn’t get it first or second time, and I certainly wasn’t going to demonstrate via Skype.
So with Mario I don’t even want to do something as complicated as buttons.
Shortly we will be inundated with new stock, but until that point you will have to read about all of my exploits as I travel far and wide in search of the next legal high. There are a few of you who have attempted to tempt me with something a little less straight laced, but I will always refuse, unless it has an alcohol base.
Mr Portillo has a new series coming up. I’m sworn to secrecy, but apparently that’s the gist of it. It will be coming to a small screen near you very soon.
And of course soon I’ll have my new iphone XXVI. However I will sign of this newsletter with a last Sunset from Iibza.
Sent from my iphone XXV