June 2017 – A Newsletter of Sorts

Let’s begin with a little bit of business.

We are fast approaching Ferragosto where the whole of Italy disappears off like our politicians.

This means that our workrooms are also partly closed. Times are a changing and it is not as bad as years gone by, we can still make garments, it just takes a week or two longer. Somehow it has dawned on them that not everyone wants to take their holiday in August.

Newsletter:

Phew! What a scorcher.

Coffee consumption has doubled since 1980, I know mine has. I know, I know, I don’t look old enough. It’ll be all the coffee!

But the world of coffee is in turmoil, it is the third year in a row that consumption has exceeded production and the amount of land suitable for growing coffee is falling. Apparently this will reduce the quality of the coffee and the amount available. Should we blame gorgeous George for making coffee too ‘sexy’?

The numerous large coffee chains may reduce the number of beans in a cup to half a bean, and we will be grateful for it.

Luckily Theresa in her youth didn’t run through fields of Arabica, decimating the crop still further, she restricted her abandon for fields of wheat, creating crap circles and gluten intolerance.

At least we now know the answer to one of the world’s great mysteries, if only we could solve Fermat’s last theorem! What do you mean, we have! Damn that only leaves the riddle of the Pyramids…

You know when you’ve been warned not to do something, but you plough ahead relentlessly, Theresa had a 50/50 chance; and in her mind’s eye she would have changed her mind, but she went ahead and stuck with her original choice anyway.

Statistically you are likely to be more successful, having changed your mind, to follow that through rather than stick. Pay heed Theresa you were warned!

Boris is round the back of the bike sheds at school, puffing happily on a cigar called Titus Andronicus. He, Govesie, Huntie and Double D, are donning wet suits, rolling balls of tissue, and barrelling out their straws. PMQ’s look as if they going to return to the ribald times of the Bullingdon Club.

Clad in their figure hugging, neoprene suits, they will snipe from the safety of deep water, like fourskin divers, sniggering at their endeavours.

The Opposition bench will be no better. JC will be living the ‘Thug Life’, his chest puffed out like a Great Tit, John McDonell toying with the balls of his abacus and a logarithmic ruler, trying to formulate the budget.

Hammers across the way uses a more modern method, the latest Sinclair Scientific calculator, pocket sized and great for those tricky little Brexit deals, it works off the ancient witchcraft known as ‘Reverse Polish Notation’.

Politics has returned to the Westminster village. But, what do I hear you screech in unison? They’re off on a Parliamentary recess.

The Government called a game of Russian Roulette, shot their little toe off and dallied around spending £130 million going to the country. Once again monumentally messing up an election/referendum they decide to slink off for the summer. So from the 20th July, the ‘Dream Team’ will be in charge.

I have given up re-writing parts of this! After the sixth draft, and the removal of references to Trotsky, Stalin, Mao, Thatcher, and at one point 46 expletives, I will build a pontoon bridge and move on!

At least we are without The Donald. He exists in the Fifth Dimension, the Twitter-sphere, in the Twilight Zone where the edge of the Flat Earth meets the sky. The Oval Office is his Pangea, his family gazelles and antelopes. He is the hyena, the jackal in the pack. No, I don’t where I’m going with this either; suffice to say I’m jet lagged, after spending weeks circumnavigating the earth. High on a mixture of sleeping tablets, Melatonin, Rhodiola Rosea and champagne, my thumbs are a blur.

Clearly I haven’t insulted Donald enough, as he let me in all so briefly, under the radar so to speak. I even travelled on Raoul’s passport by mistake! Not that I pass for a transgender, bald Brazilian (isn’t that the point?) with suspect facial hair…. Think Azis!

The regularity of these tomes has been a cause of mild concern in one or two of you. However, even by my standards I have been travelling a great deal, and unlikely to stop in the near future, and before anyone asks, not a single trip has been to Ibiza!

I sought to have my future explained to me in a reading of my tea leaves in Hong Kong.

“A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. “Hey!” shouts the manager. “Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!”

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

I will blame Darren!

Currently, I am writing this on an inflatable flamingo in the middle of the Bristol Channel, basking in Mediterranean heat and floating gently towards Hinkley Point. The umbrella in my cocktail is acting as my dongle, the water around me is about the same colour as my drink, which is worrying no matter which way round you look at it! I had decided to spend a few days in the presence of my mother.

She is on tip-top form and we once again enjoyed a lovely meal at Reeves in Dunster.

https://www.reevesrestaurantdunster.co.uk/

I shall leave with a couple of photos, one a photo of the largest wedding cake I have ever seen. We made the groom his suit in an unlined wool and mohair blend to cope with the Florentine heat, the bride is the daughter of a great friend, my very best wishes to the happy couple, Riccardo and Carlotta, my apologies for not being there.

And a panorama, because everyone loves a panorama. These are the Red Rocks on Hvar.

 

 

Copyright © 2017 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

Simply the vest

After the last newsletter once again many of you have questioned my sanity.

Trust me I am ‘compus mentis’, though perhaps I make draw from the pages of Lord Ashcroft’s  tome, more ‘pompus mentis’.

I too expect to be richly rewarded for feats of skill, and acts of derring-do. These riches and fame are yet to befall me, much in they way they have been deprived of Lord Ashcroft, as Maximus Desimus Meridius said, I have the advantage of being able to look my enemy in the eye.

I have put finger to key again; this time with the use of mid-enhancing, mind-altering and enlightening substances scraped by Neil from the lichen encrusted boulders of Sparta on a recent trip to a wedding.

Neil (inkadelic) calls this his own particular brand of tea. Tea, Pah! I can see skulls in the cup, what is that all about?

Inkadelic Tea

Inkadelic Tea

This ‘Tea’ has opened the creaky door that lies at the back of the wardrobe of my mind; this door leads into a fantasy world where the Piers Gaveston Society is just the fringe of normality.

To make matters even darker out of the gloom steps Perseus, son of Zeus; he wants to go to a Fancy Dress Party dressed as a fallen angel!

Oh, for heavens sake the things I have to come up with!

I was trying to explain that he might end up just looking singed, like Icarus after he’d flown too close to the sun, or Brian Blessed in Flash Gordon. What? You mean Gordon’s alive?

But what the son of Zeus wants, the son of Zeus gets!

Perseus becomes Icarus

Perseus becomes Icarus

Anyway… We have received some new stock perhaps the modern day equivalent of the harness. Some gilets.

Bright Blue nylon microdown filled Gilet

Bright Blue nylon microdown filled Gilet

Yellow nylon microdown filled Gilet

Yellow nylon microdown filled Gilet

Purple nylon microdown filled Gilet

Purple nylon microdown filled Gilet

Green nylon microdown filled Gilet

Green nylon microdown filled Gilet

Navy Blue nylon microdown filled Gilet

Navy Blue nylon microdown filled Gilet

Yellow wool Hollofil quilted Gilet

Yellow wool Hollofil quilted Gilet

Grey wool Hollofil quilted Gilet

Grey wool Hollofil quilted Gilet

Loden Green wool Hollofil quilted Gilet

Loden Green wool Hollofil quilted Gilet

Navy Blue wool Hollofil quilted Gilet

Navy Blue wool Hollofil quilted Gilet

Orange nylon Hollofil square check Gilet

Orange nylon Hollofil square check Gilet

Brown nylon Hollofil square check Gilet - BTW It's SOLD OUT

Brown nylon Hollofil square check Gilet – BTW It’s SOLD OUT