Coffee Table Deliveries… and other stories


New stock at the end.

I have been told that this newsletter is turning into my travels around the world in what appears to be far, far longer than 80 days… Pish, you’ve only just noticed!

However, I will have you know that I do work, despite your painless barbs. Painless? Yes, because of the vast amounts of time I have spent lazing around in the sun, I have the skin of a Rhino.

In my profession you do well to remember that a stitch in time saves nine…

And, as I sit here, I am gently warming the soles of my feet on Hades’s hot coals. Evidently a cushy life is not without its sacrifices; this also involves keeping you all entertained every day of the week. Yes, matinees and evensong! That candle is lit at both ends, and Lil’ Kim is holding the blue touch paper.

Those of you that have visited the crypt of Santa Maria della Concezione dei Cappuccini in Rome, will know where a great many of my skeletons are buried, they delightfully sculpted into works of art, perhaps depicting the events, but I say most, but not all.

Last weekend in Ibiza I was confronted with a problem, a dilemma, a cube of Rubik proportions, and, yes. Not for the first time!

Neil had ‘bought’ a coffee table.

As many of you may recall, Neil was also instrumental in tattooing many pairs of shoes over the years, bespoke designs, sometimes letting his creative juices flow, with a dexterity that mere mortals could only envy, a wild smile across his face, the gold tooth glittering in the moonlight… only the whine of the tattoo machine breaking the silence…

Apologies, my creative juices had started to flow. As I have matured these moments of dysfunction have become more common, and from time to time I have had to resort to chemical or homeopathic remedies to finish the newsletter. Apparently these are now available in most well-known chemists… You can’t walk past a window these days without these diamonds of delight being thrust in your face, and I only went in for party hats!

Back to the problem, or moving from one to another? Neil lives high up in Ibiza old town where the air is thin, beyond The Wall, surrounded by massive stone ramparts, and the closest we could get with a van was about 80 metres away. The table was a huge lump of wood, made from the trunk of a tree in the Whispering Wood, weighing in at nearly 250kgs it had to be transported up the last 40 medieval stone steps.

We stood around in the early morning sun, sipping a Kingslayer, a Red Priestess, enjoying the view of the Seven Kingdoms, as far as the White Harbour and the Bite, discussing our various wounds, aches and pains of battle, we evaluated the options. Should we use drugs, apologies… rugs, rollers, ties, a crane, hydraulic lifters, a pendulum, a YouTube tutorial, the infinite monkey theorem, aliens, dragons?

Without ‘The Mountain’, a Leonardo or a Galileo between us, we decided to apply the principle of Occam’s Razor, meaning; ‘that the simplest solutions are preferable to complex ones.’ So, we put down our cocktail glasses, picked a corner each and onwards and upwards we struggled. After a great deal of grunting, to meing, and to youing, your end up a bit, your end down a bit, we made it.

Thus, proving that logic, and a heuristic solution, not forgetting a little brawn and Mutual Aid are a match for Superficial Intelligence! Those on high would do well to listen…

Please forgive me, for I know what I am about to do… my apologies!

But that’s how on the second to last day of my weekend away, the motley crew that carried the coffee table up the steps of the old town, ended up sitting in a row at 10 in the morning sipping ice cold Bohemian style beer supplied by the hardest tattooist that ever stuck a needle in anyone’s arm. It lasted 20 minutes that beer-break, and for those twenty minutes we felt like free men.

Cotton Polo Shirts – Short Sleeve £150

Our classic Linen Polo Shirt – £150

Contrast Collar Polo Shirt – £135

 Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.




The Singing, Ringing Tree.

The Singing, Ringing Tree

Firstly, please note that after this evening the shop will be closed until lunchtime on Tuesday 23rd April.

Secondly, I am thinking of becoming a Member for Parliament. With my liberal views on oil and sundry, I am sure I can garner huge support, with a massive fan base both within the M25, and on an international scale, would that be enough to carry me home? I fear not.

Parliament is once again in recess… and it will be on a further 91 days; then plus another 32 days lost because of weekends, it leaves only 67 of the 190 days from the Easter break all the way up to the 31st October; in order for those so inclined to make some sort of decision.

We all know that Nero fiddled merrily away while Rome burned, but they’ll be doing it in Chiantishire, St Trop, cruising amongst the Greek Islands or Westward Ho!

There is not a hope in Hades that they will sit through any of the recesses to sort out the monumental debacle they have created. Mud so deep it could be Glastonbury, such is their commitment to resolving anything. Much like statistics, debating has the same hypnotic and stultifying effect on the senses.

Hands up if anyone has NOT fallen asleep in class.

By then the grass will be as tall as wheat, the Harvest Festival will have been and gone, and any of our esteemed members bobbing for apples wouldn’t have gotten their faces wet, such is their ability to pucker-up!

Even Jezza Corbyn dressed as an abbot, astride his ‘fatboy’, out there in the long grass with his hammer and sickle will be unable to find where it’s been kicked.

Perhaps our beloved darling bud has misread, then misunderstood Sun Tzu:

“He will win, he whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks.”

Splitters! Divide and conquer…

I am a little worried by my friend little ‘M’. He hasn’t featured in a newsletter for a while, but he is doing his best to make a return. Those of you with a long memory will remember that his propensity for excess, was only matched by his propensity for largesse. But his WhatsApp messages have taken on an altogether darker tone. Talk of decamping to Belize, catching a wave in Costa Rica, raising turtles…OMG

However, he too is thinking of joining me in my quest for political freedom, he will be the brains, I will bring the drinks and the Easter Eggs, made from sugar free chocolate. There’ll be no fun for anyone at this rate…

Our party will hence forth be known as the ‘Killjoys’, and at some point King Arthur will have something to say about the damn Yankee!

We’re busy doin’ nothin’
Workin’ the whole day through
Tryin’ to find lots of things not to do
We’re busy going nowhere
Isn’t it just a crime
We’d like to be unhappy, but
We never do have the time…

But finally, I would like to wish you all a very Happy Easter. Have a wonderful break in the sun.

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.



Somewhere over the Rainbow

The sun is out, the sky is blue, there’s not a cloud to spoil the view…

Cotton and linen blend short sleeve t-shirts £135

Short sleeve Pima cotton single button polo shirts £150

Pima cotton zip-fronted cardigans £175

Linen, cotton and silk blended short sleeve t-shirts £160

Sooooo Goldfinger… Towelling buttonless, short sleeve polo shirts £150

Short sleeve linen t-shirts £135

Short sleeve hand-framed linen t-shirts £150

Long Sleeve linen blend pullovers £175

Various polo shirts…. did I say sexy? £150

Candy stripe summer cotton shirts £145

Linen long sleeved shirts in Joseph’s many colours £145

Lightweight, long sleeve summer jersey shirts £145

Summer seeeeeer suckers £145

Cotton print shirts £145

Nearly sold out of these… Giro Inglese open weave shirts in 3 colours £145

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

Putting it off

Yes, I am aware that this thought has crossed one or two minds, that fact summer may never come.

Even someone with my pea-sized intellect has noticed this!

However, trust me it will, and much as I recoil at the thought, there will be one or two of you sporting a wardrobe full of my Emperor’s Collection, solely because you ignored my advice. The wardrobe doors will open to reveal a row of hangers clad in the finest nothing…

Strike while the iron is tepid, leap before looking, save the date, back in the day and keep calm…. help is at hand! Surprised by my triteness? You shouldn’t be, you know me too well. My shallowness, weakness and forthrightness are admired in equal measure. Come back as me if you dare…

So the good news is that we have managed to increase the number of cloth makers we work with.

We now have ranges from Piacenza, Drapers, Caccioppoli, as always Ariston, and finally Loro Piana once again…

And have no fear, all are as reasonably priced as ever, well apart from Piacenza, but hey dig deep!

This is a small selection of a much larger selection! Dare I say something for everyone?

Summer from Ariston

Jackets by Ariston

Caccioppoli – Suits and Jackets

Luxury on an unprecedented scale by Piacenza

and finally Loro Piana

Less offensive than the last…

Bridge over Troubled Water

Never in the field of human intellect have so many been offended by so few.

Captain Mainwareing, Corporal Jones et alamein, have been out on the beach at Warmington, filling up the sand bags. Under the tungsten glow of the lamps on the M25, they are slowly, but surely building a wall against us. Our lives will be forever Harvest Festival…

Just remember, once we have gone there will be no money from the EU to replace the missing sand! Just an eternity of Long Shore Drift.

Their cries of MAYday, MAYday, MAYday, inaudible above the noise of Ferraris, Lamborghinis and Bentleys roaring round our giant ring road. We’ll fill the moat with champagne, and turn the House of Commons into a prison, filling it with those bereft of morals…

Bolt the door, lock the gate and throw away the key…

The City State of London is declared. We don’t care what your passport says, if you are willing to work, you are all welcome to stay, our passport will remain resolutely red, paint yours Frenchie Blue if you want.

But wait, Private Walker has worked out how to smuggle a little ‘How’s yer father’ across the Irish Border… Warmington will be awash with hooch, packets of smokes, French nylons, a mouth organ and playing cards with semi-clad (gender of preference) on the back! As he knows only too well, there is short cut round everything, and what the Revenue can’t scan, they won’t know about.

Arthur Daley’s invisible man will be back, and everyone will be only to communicate with each other via shorthand on the back of a saucy postcard. Scrumpy laced Snakebite will return as the nation’s favourite tipple. Lucky heather for every buttonhole.

‘Much ado about nothing’ will run and run… Theresa will be Beatrice, Jean-Claude as Benedick (how does that translate from Latin?), with Donald as Claudio and Michel as Hero.

If we can only get the Heinz 27 to agree that Hero wasn’t unfaithful to Claudio, we could live happily ever after. But you mock me, this is politics and our Hammer House Mother of all Parliaments has spawned the David Cameron’s Incubus.

As you all know there are only five ways to overcome the attacks of an Incubus, Exorcism, Sacramental confession, the Sign of the Cross, moving the afflicted to another location, and by excommunication of the attacking entity… It looks like three of the five are being worked on.

I was in Wome, seeing what Womans do! My life as Bwian and resurrection awaits, I have suddenly understood what Benedick translates to in Latin. You’ll get it if you’ve seen the film, but don’t watch on my account. No, I mean don’t watch on my account, it’s my Netflix and I’ll chill when I want to… Two newsletters in a row, I take a bow!

I was working on next Winters collection and stayed in Trastevere, if any travel recommendations are needed, those living within the M25 can send me an email, others, the back of a postcard. Like Vlad the lad, we now have our own internet… and our own Great Firewall.

Anyway, those of you who have bothered to read the previous email, will already know there is some new stock…

I will finish with a flourish; my very good friend Tim has a letting agency par excellence. A phrase I will no longer be able to utter only mutter after the 29th.



Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.




Not….. some new stock!

Can you believe Spring has sprung, the cockerel crowed, lambs-a-leaping and not a snowflake to be seen. All the storms from A to Zee have been, huffed and puffed, and yet out politicians have shown they don’t have the strength to crush a grape…

On to greater things… we have some new stock. Feast yer eyes….

Lightweight neoprene blouson in Navy blue – £350 The last one of seven, and only 7 were and will be made.

Lightweight navy stretch Parka – £390 Stretchy…….

Lightweight stretch black travel raincoat – £350

Micro design simmer shirt £145

Micro design simmer shirt £145

Printed cotton summer shirt £145

Striped cotton summer shirt – £145

Jersey Shirt in Lilac – Cotton with long sleeves – £145

Jersey Shirt in Navy Blue – Cotton with long sleeves – £145

Jersey Shirt in Pale Blue – Cotton with long sleeves – £145

Jersey Shirt in white – Cotton with long sleeves – £145

Pink Giro Inglese Cotton shirt – £145

Jersey Shirt in Turquise – Cotton with long sleeves – £145

Volpe Limited Edition Jeans second delivery – £185 Various reversible belts – £95

Hong Kong Phooey – Number One Superguy

Please be warned this Newsletter does take on a slightly adult theme at several points, not that my childish nature has ever worried any of you before, well apart from a minor celebrity (now removed from the list), but you have been warned. Those of you who want to come back as me take note, not is all as it seems…

I have used my emergency powers, built a picket fence, to keep the golfers (sic.) out, laid down the law, told the clouds to take a hike…

Spring has sprung, snowflakes are gambolling in the streets, sunlight is finally reaching the extremities. Perseus has returned from a sojourn on mainland China to pour vitriol on my flames, no more aching side abs for he at the moment.


On St. Valentine’s Day the earth moved for thousands of the residents of Surrey. Tremors were felt, and the estate agents of this delightful county were finally able to tell prospective buyers… “this is where the magic happens!” Apparently in those sleepy hollows, the age-old tradition of chucking your keys in a bowl continues with seismic consequences, measurable on the Richter Scale. Was it an earthquake, was someone at it with a ‘jackhammer’, did they chip a tooth, or just drilling for oil?

Surrey residents, answers on a postcard please. I will reply on a self-addressed envelope SWALK!

Normally when writing these love letters to my faithful readers, I am hunched over my laptop on a flight to somewhere, from somewhere, or on a slow boat to China. Invisible Touch by Genesis playing in the background… It will become translucent later on!

However, on this rare occasion I am relaxed, dare I even say, mellow as I stare out over Victoria Harbour in Hong Kong, tapping away gently at my keyboard from my stunning room at The Murray on Cotton Tree Drive. Recently opened and in all its glory. Slightly boutiquey, slightly edgy, youthful in its opulence, traditional in its values. The views of the city from Popinjay’s restaurant on the 26th floor are truly breath taking.

There we go… the plug for this edition is out of the way early doors Johnny Mac.

Over a wonderful dinner the other night in Popinjay’s, conversation turned to the impenetrable nature of my Newsletters, which had left several people bewitched, bedazzled and bewildered. I was taken to task over my penchant for red Lycra by the very person who had suggested we do something special for a friend’s birthday several years ago. He clearly didn’t know me as well as he thought, although he spends a great deal of his time high on ethanol, or methanol, or is that just petrol in his head? We are now friends electric…

I move on to matters of fashion, as this is what I am purported to do!


The summer collection this year draws heavily on the latex theme and involves more than the gossamer touch of the Emperor’s new clothes. Part of my inspiration were the products made by two giant, global brands.

Pure genius. I reign Supreme

I expect you all to be ‘flexing’ this look this summer…

My first inspiration was Harmony hairspray with its firm, invisible hold, because is he, or isn’t he wearing it?

Secondly, my heartfelt thanks to Du2ex. No Emperor’s wardrobe would be complete without an outfit for the bedroom, modern Hugh Heffners take note. In collaboration, they have produced the perfect companion for the bedroom. I introduce; the Du2ex invisible, no latex, slightly or unsightly it’s a case of is he, or isn’t he wearing one? The Memberor will be perfectly attired in all his Morning Glory.

But beware, as I said; all is not what it seems… there is a drawback, objects in the mirror can appear larger than they seem, the Invisible has its limitations, and I know that with its dimensions of:

Circumference: 2.04″ Length: 7.5″ Thickness: Invisible

It may not be for everyone. My membership remain as avid fans!

I will finish on a cleaner, fresher note.

The bathrooms at The Murray are fitted with a Japanese style toilet that have a remote control and a heated seat. Imagine my surprise when I managed to get Netflix and chill!

Copyright © 2019 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.