Now for some news that many of you have been waiting for, and no I am not expecting. Advances in medical technology have not moved that far forward, and anyway more than one of me may be too much for anyone!

My youth remains intactus, but the painting in the attic is starting to curl a little around the edges.

We are now at that time of year again.

The SALE starts on this Saturday the 26th.

For those of you in the cognoscenti, you will be able to come in a few days early, let’s say from Wednesday and help yourself to a bargain.

As you know with the SALE comes some rule changes, the normal level of service and humour goes out the window. So you all help yourselves, I am not sullying my hands with anything that I consider beneath me. However given I am hhhmpph tall in my bare feet, there isn’t much that isn’t beneath me.

And I finally after many years of searching, I found a use for Battersea Power Station.

Volpe Sale

OK Sam, before you start, it’s July and I’m late and it’s very, very long. I’ve been in Ibiza the land where time stands still, and just because you spend your life tripping the International Date Line, does that mean I have less of a grip on reality than you? Probably.

And Neil and Eugene; be patient, you are in it.

There is a good reason why this newsletter is late……

It’s because I got lost; horribly lost, and because things keep happening…..

I had been planning to cycle from London to Brighton, not on the London to Brighton run, but just as a bit of fun. So one Wednesday in June:

Early one morning,
Just as the sun was rising,
I heard a young maid sing,
In the valley below.

Oh, don’t deceive me,
Oh, never leave me,
How could you use
A poor maiden so?

Oh for goodness sake Adrian, give it a rest.  Is that the real reason you got lost, or were you more likely led by a bottle?

Anyway, I left the shop at 5.15am, switched on my Sat Nav, put my iPhone in my pocket, climbed aboard “Il Cervo” and turned south.

I had decided to avoid the motorway, obviously, and the A23. This meant I would head off into deepest Surrey and Sussex countryside. The sun was shining, I have an excellent sense of direction, the 55 or 60 miles would be a doddle, or so I thought.

Now if you are on a bike and you go in the wrong direction, you expend effort going in the wrong direction, and I did this time and time again. I had got horribly lost. I had to keep stopping to stare at the dying embers of my phone to see which way I had gone wrong this time, it was getting dark……OK it wasn’t, it was 11.30 am, and the 60 miles became 72 miles. I stopped on the seafront in Brighton took a photo, Pinkie threw me a knowing glare toyed with the cut throat in his pocket, another southern softie ready to be dealt with. Hastily, I bought a stick of rock and headed for the station. I wasn’t going to be stupid enough to get lost again on the way back!

I intend to plan the next long journey meticulously…..

It will be the Prudential Surrey 100. If I get lost on that one, then the 24,000 people trailing in my wake will be too.

I will shortly add a sponsorship link if you feel like helping a very good cause, in my case St John’s Hospice.

Brighton Beach

Brighton Rock

About here I think I’ll add a few words about the World Cup before we go any further, and then that will be that until the fat ladette sings.

After saying I was going to write about the World Cup, I have decided I can’t gather the strength. Someone will win it, the BBC coverage will obviously be better than ITV, and we are getting a few days break from it.

I’ve always hated Luis Suarez. Nothing he has done or can do will change my mind. He has the look of someone who I would like to hire Mike Tyson to bite their ear off. Of course they can’t ban him for life.  If they did that, he couldn’t do it again, and again, and again. Then we’d have nothing to talk about, and I’d have no one to hate.

So I will give you this Youtube clip about why Sepp Blater keeps it going. Search “Last Week Tonight” with John Oliver about FIFA and the World Cup.

Then Germany go and beat Brazil 7-1. My 96 year old aunt has offered her defensive skills to Brazil for the 3rd place play off. She is at least a little more mobile, and certainly more tactically savvy than David Luiz, who appears to approach every challenge as an arm swinging Samba. I also have to say that I love my watches. However, given Brazil’s appalling display and the huge problems and poverty that remain, I was surprised at the end of the game with Thiago Silva commiserating Sig. Luiz whilst sending out the right signals to his countrymen wearing a Richard Mille worth more than €250k. Is he taking the PSG?

On another sporting note, and again in a sport not untainted by controversy, I have been following the Tour de France on ITV; of course all of the action happens during the ad breaks. Nothing happens whilst the camera is on the peleton, but as soon as we go to the adverts, someone pushes someone else off, or someone breaks away. What makes it worse is that these adverts are all for personal injury claims. Now I may have constructed this whole paragraph to get this photo taken of a shop window in Ibiza.

It has been said that I am currently followed everywhere by a faint whiff of sulphur; and I think as I passed the mirror at the top of the stairs I could swear the horns were starting to grow back: what makes me even more suspicious is that Emi keeps crossing herself every time she sees me.

So once again I shall return to the island. It will be a brief visit, but just imagine I am sitting typing this looking at the crystal clear water of Las Salinas. Jealous? I hope so. Perhaps I should be at work, but as a friend said to me, she’d like my job, and my Sunday Lunch.

Sunday Lunch with the Boys

Well I was going to write this at Las Salinas, but the beach was so crowded that I didn’t even have anywhere to put my towel. I am writing this at breakfast, if it is breakfast. I have been bonding with Neil and Eugene, and no that’s not the reason I’m not sure what time of day it is. However I do remember last night: dinner with Neil and Eugene, the following interesting dishes at Sa Brisas a new tapas place in Ibiza town.

Magnum Foie Gras and Brioche Chips

Wagu Beef

After dinner Neil took a tired Scratch home.

Neil and Scratch

Eugene and I continued drinking; we drank “Eugenes” in the port. Who in heaven’s name has a cocktail named after themselves! Then later Vodka and Red Bull. Why? Yes, why? Maybe it was the location or the campness of the evening, but Eugene and I then went shopping! It has to be said that if you go shopping at 1.30am in Ibiza, you will not be buying anything sensible, and this night was no exception. We entered a friend Jamel’s shop on Calle de la Virgen. Jamel is extremely talented and makes some fantastic leisurewear. For some of you, Calle del la Virgen will require no further explanation, and for those of you who require an explanation, you’re not getting one! Perseus this why you should be here, I could see you in a pair of these puppies! Eugene bought them and wore them away!!!! He was off to see a young lady in Bottafoch: yes, really! I really don’t need to make any of this up.

And Jamel, a little tip: if you don’t mind, I would have lined them in fur….

Eugene’s Puppies

Burgers

The three of us were sat down the other day and Neil and Eugene were bickering about who should have a greater presence in the newsletter. So I am trying to be diplomatic, but as Eugene said, his mum reads the Newsletter, so I take it all back. Your son is an angel and it’s my fault, and Neil’s. Plus ca change.

Neil has a new love; a fantastic Japanese restaurant in Ibiza Marina.

Japan comes to Ibiza

The fact that Eugene is opening a Bar/Restaurant under the walls of Ibiza Dalt Villa called Blonde means he gets a little extra mention. Please everybody, GO THERE. It makes me look good!

Sad news: my friend Mark is on the wagon, which means he won’t be going there. However it is good news for the wine evenings! I hadn’t seen him in a while and suddenly he appeared as if by magic; transformed, fresh faced as though a drop had never passed his lips. He could have been a problem at our wine tasting. This is a man who will drink his hotel minibar dry only for the maid to find him naked and comatose on the bed in the morning. I suppose it could determine how her day is going as to whether she finds him face up or face down.

I have been making ice cream in my spare time.  All sorts of delicious flavours, but the favourites have been peanut butter with chocolate brownie, and almond with marzipan. I must also add that however much I love Vivi’s Creamery, mine are better. Those of you who know me well, and it has to be very well, will know about my love of ice cream, and my ability to eat it a litre at a time until I explode.

Finally a little good news the guys who designed the Candyshell iphone case ‘Amped’ they will see it launched in the UK this week, and this is only surpassed that Al and Victoria are expecting twins, and Stuart and Louise are also expecting all just in time for Christmas!

Copyright © 2014 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

I suppose you’d have expected photos of bikes, but cars will always be my first love, however sometimes there are some you don’t even want to be a mistress!

Out on the bike the other evening, I was cycling around London and passed through Knightsbridge where Ferraris are two a penny. I saw this and thought that; I suppose you have to do something to stand out from the crowd.

I have blanked out the number plate to preserve the delicate flower’s modesty, a sort of fig leaf, in an immodest world.

Putting the car into perspective……. Emi, who has sat behind the wheel of many a Ferrari, yes we have photos, thinks it is a little too bling!

However there is that very large diamond ring she’s after………….

Copyright © 2014 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

Covered in this Newsletter will be the following: Neil Ibiza, Neil Trainer, alcohol, some upcoming corporate events, bikes, how to treat linen, Christmas, coffee, the EU, the Cork and Bottle, foreign languages and their uses in dating, the World Cup, summer entertainment, Michael Portillo, Wolf and his 3D printing ideas, more alcohol and Perseus the fridge magnet.

Firstly a little shop related news. The 14th June will be the cut off date for made to measure suits and shirts to arrive before the August closure. There is a skeleton staff working in the workrooms during the holidays, however we cannot guarantee delivery dates before the 20th September, but most of you knew that anyway.

A little aside for you all… Linen looks better creased and worn, much like me. Does that help Krishan?

And yes, Sam, I know I’m a little late….

Let’s begin the fun part of the Newsletter with a little hint to those of you who are already thinking of a Christmas present for me; remember it is only 203 sleeps till Christmas, and 7 sleeps to the World Cup in Brazil. Thanks for that Jake, still got that App then, and added to that Jake, be careful what you wish for, after all you did say holidays are for wimps!!

A grateful friend gave me a gift handily disguised as a bottle of medicine. However there was no note on the outside saying “Don’t Drink Me”. So I did. Well, it was in a bottle.

Medicine…..Man!!!

Anyway, back to the writing now that I have sobered up.

Oh the shame of it, I am getting old.

As many of you know, and a large number of you will know at first hand, I can go into any bar in any town and order a beer, and then find my way home after, albeit slowly and not in an entirely straight line.

The other day I did something I never do as I have a Nespresso machine and the lovely Emi to make my coffee amongst other things, if I ask her nicely, very nicely.

Anyway I walked into a well-known coffee shop to meet Neil (Trainer), when the person in front of me ordered a decaf, quad grande, skinny, wet, no foam, soya cappuccino with an extra shot and a sugar free caramel syrup lattice design on top. What no cherry!!!! And wet; I thought coffee was?

At this point I panicked, all I wanted was an Americano, and then the Barista(?????) asked me what my order was. It was like I had been stuck with a cattle prod or a Taser. The room started to spin, my mouth was dry, I felt light headed, my legs turned to jelly; struggling for breath, I reached for my adrenaline, but I managed to blurt out “A glass of Tap Water please”, before turning and fleeing, arms flailing, my mouth open in a silent scream….. I’m pretty sure I am now banned from the entire chain.

Well I feel better now, and I was able to walk into Gilli in Florence and order a café alto in tazze grande.

Mark, a good friend who these days is a high-flying lawyer, and I were discussing travel and languages, and shallow as I am, I was saying how I thought the easiest way to learn a language was probably to date someone from that country. There were some stumbling blocks to this, not least making yourself understood to them in the first place, but generally not a bad premise. OK, you at the back, no need for the “Why don’t you date somebody who speaks English” quip!

At school I made huge efforts to learn French because my French mistress, sorry, I mean teacher, was stunning and I can only say in my defence I was only trying to impress her. Mark on the other hand was explaining this from another perspective, different teacher, but driven by the same juvenile sentiments. Rather than impress, he opted for another approach and managed to achieve a mark of minus (negative) 23 in a French dictation test. Oh Mark, you shallow beast, do you really think you would be given extra-curricular lessons in French dictation….. Nice try Mark, but we were both only 13 years old at the time: sometimes it seems it takes a very long time to grow up.

Those of you who are not in slightest bit interested in the EU, look away for the next couple of paragraphs: go and make a cup of tea and watch Eastenders.

Last Tuesday I was at a debate held by Economic Research Counsel on whether it was worth us staying in the EU.

Wake up! You didn’t go and make tea.

I was flanked by my two minders Tony and Wolf, and I had the feeling this was going to get ugly. I was not wrong. Sitting down was like getting on a Ryanair flight and trying to get three seats together, in other words, it proved to be a challenge. Worse was to follow; on my seat was a booklet supplied by UKIP.  I glanced around and whilst no one was looking, gentle slid it onto the floor: it bounced, such is Nigel Farage’s inflated opinion of himself. I wonder if he’s known as NF to his friends, I rest my case m’lud, debate over.

No such luck, I had to sit through 15 minutes of coughing, spluttering and mumbling over the reasons for leaving the EU. It was accompanied by a slide show, and I kept waiting for a subliminal message between each slide. Wait a mo….. Why do I keep thinking “Up yours Delors”?

This was followed by the pro-EU argument, and no slides. Phew!

The highlight for me was when the pro-EU debater was responding and had used a major bank’s decision to have a UK base as a reason for easy access to the European Market. Feeling slightly guilty he apologised, just in case there was anyone from this particular bank in attendance. A large, shambolic man in the front row, who had been aggressively tapping his empty wine glass throughout the pro-EU debater’s answers in order to disrupt proceedings, raised his hand and announced that he was the global PR director of said Bank.

Clearly! He was wearing sandals and no socks.

After show of hands at the end, and even with a few of the anti-EU audience sticking up two hands, the consensus was two fingers to the anti-EU vote, and a V for victory to the Pro vote.

We de-camped to the Cork and Bottle for dinner without the guy in the sandals; French cheeses, Italian olives, Spanish wine, EU we don’t need you!

SLIDES – Well I was going to put some slides in here, but one or two of you are nodding off.

Currently I have sorting out my summer entertainment, well apart from Ibiza of course. August will see me enjoying a ****** Cinema experience of B%&* $£ %^& F*!&*$£, if I can get tickets, the website keeps crashing, and in September I will be sat in a cemetery watching The Dark Knight, such is the fun the that can be had in London when the sun is setting or as you know in my case, rising.

Talking of entertainment, one who will be familiar to most of you has been drawn to fame and fortune. I can only suggest it is down to two factors: firstly his undoubted charm as many will testify to, including my Marie, and secondly his excellent attire, displaying his plumage on television. Here he is below in a photo wearing a lightweight yellow cashmere jacket, with a rather wooden looking motley crew known as ‘One Direction’.  He’s the one wearing the rather impish grin!

MP and One Direction

The World Cup will be starting shortly, but I will cover that in a subsequent newsletter because, and I know this one is getting too long.

Shortly we will have a few more bikes in the Volpe stable available for customers with impeccable taste. The two below will shortly be available for sale, and they will be joined by a couple of Pinarellos. Please feel free to contact me if you are interested and I will arrange a viewing. Krish, you have first dibs to try any of them.

On the back of this we will be attempting to arrange some evenings for all you keen cyclists to slot in alongside, but obviously not in conjunction with our wine evenings. If you are interested in attending either please contact me and I will furnish you with all the details you need.

Colnago 50th Anniversary

Single Speed

Wolf is now the proud owner of a 3D printer, he has promised to revolutionize a certain market. Meanwhile he is going to concentrate on making me a bike, whilst he works on the main thrust of his business.

Lastly we arrived at the bottom of the page, and Perseus. He was recently on a flight back from Toronto and the plane was stuck on the tarmac. Temperatures aboard had soared to 37C because the air conditioning wasn’t working.

One of the stewards seeing Perseus’s clear distress in the heat, recognised a fellow wearer of Aussie Bum underwear and offered him a position in front of an open fridge door, whereby he could cool himself down. Apparently he was charming and Perseus was a savage beast calmed.

Oh, how once again the world has found it’s natural order.

STOP PRESS: Neil from Ibiza is in Bologna as the Best Man at a superstar DJ’s wedding, later they will be visiting Emanuele to drink his cellar dry. Good luck guys and congratulations.

No Newsletter in complete without a photo of Neil

The Wedding

Copyright © 2014 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.

Let’s begin with our illustrious leader and his mate, they’re like Shaggy and Scooby Doo. If you are in need of medical assistance have no fear you will have the PM, London Mayor and St John’s Ambulance in attendance. Dave will hold your hand and smooth your furrowed brow, maybe even pass on a few tips on how to keep that fresh from the baked bean tin look. Him and Boris astride their bikes coming to the aid of all and sundry, our 4th Emergency Service.

Ibiza Old Town

So I have now created an algorithm and no longer need to write the newsletter myself. I just type in the key words, Adrian, Neil, Lycra, Adam, mask, bicycle and Ibiza into my iPad, set a word count and it writes the newsletter for me.

It is a far from a perfect solution, and the first drafts have been pretty humourless, but that’s what you get for letting anything from Apple write for you. The cruel amongst you may even say no change from the normal rubbish I write. Of course at the other extreme I could have just asked JC or Nigel Barrage to write it for me.

Talking of those two, May is National Walking month.

I had to read that twice, give me a consonant Ms Vorderman. So I shall be walking a lot this month, but as I said when is there not a month when I’m not doing something?

Why should I walk when I can get on “il Cervo”, and I have been alternating between my ‘fixie’ and the beast, at least it’s good to be back in the saddle, well walking at least! Circuits of Richmond Park have become a given, and when the weather has been good, it has been very good.

Richmond Park

However spare a thought for Adam he is riding from the top of Ireland to the southern tip for Charity. Is he mad? Yes, obviously! I also suspect that he feels by cycling from North to South, he thinks it is all downhill! By all accounts it was 37 hours in the saddle, wind and rain all the way. No chance of me doing it next year!

Adamant

It’s good to see the mask is getting plenty of use. Apparently Adam is adamant that he will use it at some point in every charity event he takes part in. So during May he’ll be walking in it a lot.

Ibiza

As some of you know I have been back to Ibiza. Given the huge pile of things that Neil has sent here, I found it easier to get a flight down there with everything in a suitcase. So I was Neil’s mule, and in the coffin, I mean case; were several dead bodies!! Emi was a little disappointed that I had stolen her bed to transport Neil’s bits to Ibiza without taking her. Where is she going to sleep without her coffin? Settle down guys.

Neil will be opening the ‘Inkadelic Hotel’ this year. It will be next door to his studio in Plaza Mercato Viejo in Ibiza Town, and will be full of Neil’s personality. I have suggested he should have a large preserved horse’s head by the side of the bed for those special moments. There is a sign in the Plaza in front of Neil’s shop asking for people to donate any small dead animals. Recently he was given a Flamingo skull, and he also accosted a neighbour who was carrying a dead mouse by its tail at arms length, clearly the Steve McQueen of mice. She was stunned that he would want to preserve this creature in fomaldehyde.

I think as part of room service Neil should offer a Tattoo Menu.

The Master

Sat at dinner the other night with Neil and Isaac, we were marvelling at the table next to us. Now I don’t have children and hence have no right to judge, but this crowd were so engrossed in their various tablets and phones, I could only assume that they were communicating to each other via these means. It was the quietest table I have ever sat next to. Only a small step from telepathy!

The Future

Thank you to Stuart for even more beer from the Arundel Brewery. Hic!!!!

http://www.arundelbrewery.co.uk/index.htm

Now I shall have to share this with you all, and I have run this past the groom. OK, not the bride, but hell it made me laugh. My friend Chris is getting married on the 4th July, isn’t that Independence Day? And they will be honeymooning it at The Priory, clearly!!!!!

I must also share a couple of celeb moments for the ladies amongst you, and of course Conchita Wurst. What kind of name is that? I mean, should my stage name be Lumpy Lycra?

Anyway a very funny moment at my expense.

I’m walking down Shaftesbury Ave and a couple of guys are walking alongside me. I suddenly notice a huge number of girls and a few guys either swooning or acting incredibly animated and looking in my direction.

I’m thinking to myself, god I must be looking hot!!!!!

I was brought back down to earth with a jolt when I notice the guy who has been walking alongside me for the last 100 yards was Viggo Mortensen…..

I shall follow this with a “mythbuster”. I was training in the gym one evening a few days ago, when I was shocked to see someone whose fitness was always called into doubt during his playing career, exercising next to me, sometimes he had been said to have been carrying too much timber!. Now svelt and tanned he looks the picture of health, none other than the great David Ginola.

Es Vedra

Lunch on Monday was with an old friend at Es Boldado nestled on the cliffs to the right of this photo above.

Moon Set

I am however going to delete the Lycanthropic app from my phone; I’ve just stopped sleeping when the moon is full, and by all accounts reacting to the full moon in this way may mean that Jeremy will bar me from The Wolseley.

I took this photo as the moon was setting. It was such a beautiful morning, I woke next to the runway at T5. The hairs on the palms of my hands were receding. How I got here I’ll never know, one last howl at the moon and wait; my clothes are in shreds….

As I was at T5, I thought I would the opportunity to board the first flight I could get on, just in the spirit of adventure. Sadly I fell at the first hurdle, it was going to Newcastle, it seemed an easier proposition to walk home.

We are going to have to initiate a naked work day, however as always I will struggle because obviously I won’t have a thing to wear.

And isn’t it strange that the two people who inflict me with the most pain are both called Neil…..

Copyright © 2014 Adrian Holdsworth. All Rights Reserved.